You think that's OK?

Recently I found myself in a verbally abusive situation.  This person has verbally abused me before 

 --at my son's wedding even.  One would think that I might not be surprised at her behavior but it did catch me off guard.  Fortunately I have a prayer partner to turn to who helped me to put it all into perspective.

 

Yet it bugs me to think that I am still not immune to abuse!!  After working on incest recovery for 30 years, there are STILL people who can make me feel small, unimportant, and WRONG!  GRRRR

 

Ever since I took Splankna training in October, I've been offering FREE Splankna sessions to anyone who asks for one.  A family member of mine asked me to work on her friend who is "Having some problems now."  She mentioned that maybe I should offer to do sessions for the children also, which I did!

 

Now, I've seen some unruly children in my time but let's just say that it was VERY difficult to concentrate as we worked on her children on Messenger last week.  Yesterday she wrote to me that I wasn't very professional.  She was "Just being honest."

 

So, I really don't know what normal reactions are--I admit it.  One does not learn how to express oneself in an incestuous family.  I learned to keep my mouth shut and keep the peace in the family no matter what was done to me. 

 

I vividly recall one Christmas eve when I hadn't seen my oldest brother for years.  I must have been about 35 years old.  He walked up to me, right in front of our father, and punched me HARD on my arm.  I hit him back just as hard as I could and walked away.  Dad said, "Dawn, what's the matter with YOU?"   I really wanted to know the truth so I retorted, "Dad, you honestly think that's ok for him to come up and punch me?"  There was no reply!

 

This type of thinking has bugged me all my life and it bugs me wherever I see it.  Abusive people don't care one bit about how their words (and punches or rapes) affect their victims.  If they cared, they wouldn't do that to another person.  Then when the victim realizes that they're being abused, and starts to protest, the bully "DOESN'T LIKE IT!"  BOO HOO

 

Before I go off on a rant, I'll just share this article with you all.  If YOU are confronted with an abusive person, I urge you to try these ideas.  They just may help.  For me with my health challenges (too much abuse in my life), I just walk away.  I remove that person from my life!  It's been the most effective form of dealing with abusive people that I've found so far.

If that isn't a possibility for you, though, you may want to try these ideas.  Another powerful tool I've found is to pray for those who are abusing me.  Turn them over to God--let HIM deal with them!!  THEY NEED HELP and our prayers may be just what they're needing. 

 

One last point I'd like to make, before I get back to doing Splankna sessions, is this.  The damage from the attack yesterday was minimal because I have a prayer partner to turn to.  I urge EVERYONE to find someone to pray with on a regular basis. 

 

How does it work?  It's simple. You pray for them and they pray for you.  You get together and pray.  This is a super powerful method of developing synergy in your prayer life.  Go ahead, ask someone to be your prayer partner.  It's one of the best things you can do for them and for you!  I rejoice greatly that God has given me a prayer partner this year!!  It's made such a difference for me AND for her too!!

 

Have a great week, dear readers. 

 

Lots of love,

Dawn

 

5 Ways of Dealing with Verbally Abusive Relationships

Kellie Holly

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People victimized by verbal abuse in marriage, or other verbally abusive relationships, don't want to give up easily. There is love or money (or both) at stake, and they could feel that the sacrifice of walking away is too great. Victims of verbally abusive relationships most want to know how to respond to verbal abuse and how to stop verbal abuse.

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Stopping Verbal Abuse in Marriage, Relationships

Those on the victim side of verbally abusive relationships simply want the abuse to stop. They cannot understand why another person would want to be cruel. Most people waste too much time wondering "why" and not enough time reframing their own mental and emotional perspectives. But this, too, is an effect of abuse. Verbally abusive people "teach" their victims' to focus outward toward them instead of inward to the victims' own perceptions and feelings. (see Verbally Abusive Men and Women: Why Do They Abuse?)

Getting Control in Verbally Abusive Relationships

The only way to stop verbal abuse in marriage or other relationships is if victims change the way they respond to it. Here are five ways a victim of verbal abuse can change their reactions to a verbally abusive spouse, co-worker, or anyone else and possibly end the abuse:

1. Every emotionally charged situation includes three things: The activating event, the victim's beliefs about the activating event, and the victim's resulting feelings or behaviors. Too often, people jump from the event straight to the feelings/behaviors without considering their beliefs about the event. If victims change their beliefs about the abusive event (here we go again, look at her trying to control me!), then their emotions and behaviors change, too.¹
2. Recognize the difference between healthy negative emotions and unhealthy ones. Referring back to number one, victims who create beliefs that produce unhealthy negative emotions will feel things like rage, self-hatred, and anxiety. But victims whose beliefs create healthy negative emotions experience feelings like frustration, disappointment and sadness. The healthy negative feelings are appropriate (no one would be happy about being abused), but the unhealthy feelings spiral the victim into counter-productive behaviors and a feeling of being stuck in a horrible situation.²
3. Set personal boundaries on behaviors you will not accept from other people and enforce them. Personal boundaries erode over the course of a verbally abusive relationship as the abuser gains access to the victim's safe zones. Setting personal boundaries mostly reminds the victim to be on the lookout for abusive behaviors, recognize them, and protect themselves from further emotional or mental harm.
4. Victims of verbally abusive relationships who tell other people about the abuse find support and strength and are better able to stay clear-minded when the abuse occurs. Victims must be careful in their selection of support people. If someone in your circle consistently tells you, "You're making more of this than it is," or they insist the one who abuses you is a "good person," then they're not appropriate support.
5. Victims who address the verbal abuse as it occurs have the opportunity to point out behavior the abuser might not realize s/he's doing. If nothing else, addressing the abuse in real-time empowers the victim and sets the stage for remembering to do numbers 1-3. The easiest response to verbal abuse is "Stop it!"³