Nighttime revalation

Last night I came to understand myself. This is so profound that I may have to write a book about it someday. Seeing as I have a busy day ahead of me, though, I will have to make this brief.

Although it seems like a crime to treat such a life-changing event as though it deserves only a few paragraphs, I must do so for I cannot go through this day without sharing this new insight.

Those of you who have been with me awhile may recall that when I had my second Reiki attunement the Lord gave me a vision. It was of a violent, horrible man beating me with a chain. I prayed for the beating to stop and he turned around to go. That was when I saw that the horrible man was really ME wearing a disguise. At that time, I heard the voice of God saying to me, "I want you to stop beating yourself for every little thing."

I've tried, I really have. The Reiki has worked in me a desire to be kinder to myself. However, it was so ingrained in me that I blamed myself for everything that was wrong in my life. Now I believe I understand why.

Last night I felt God so close to me. He explained to me that the reason I have hated myself all of my life is that it has been a SELF DEFENSE MECHANISM from my earliest childhood moments. At first I couldn't grasp it, but the more that I pondered what He was telling me, it started to make sense.

You see, I was powerless to change the abuse that was heaped on me constantly in that home. Now with a little bit of pondering, one can see that this does actually make sense in a sick sort of way.

The thinking goes like this. Being I can't stop you from hating me and abusing me in this fashion, I will hate myself. By doing this, I will take the only control that I can possibly have over this dreadful situation. By hating myself, I will take from you the power to have an affect on me. Yes, you will continue to abuse my body but I WILL STAY IN CONTROL OF MY MIND!!!!!! I chose to hate myself so that you can not think that what you are doing is destroying me. In other words, I WOULD RATHER DESTROY MYSELF THAN THINK THAT YOU HAVE THE POWER TO DO IT TO ME!!!!!!!!!

WOW--I was trembling as this nighttime revelation poured new understanding into my whole life. It took a long time to settle down after that, but when I did, I slept like a baby. I know that my life will never be the same and I am SO GLAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I praise God who has been my nighttime companion through all of the horrible moments of my life. I praise Him, especially, for what He shared with me last night. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometime people say to me, "How can you share such personal things with the world?" It's like this, I'm here for a reason. I survived all that I have survived for a reason and that reason is to give others who have lived such nightmares HOPE.

CLING TO THE LORD FOR HE IS A HIGH TOWER TO ALL WHO ARE WEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please pray for me today, dear friends!

Dawn