What was once limited to a professional’s diagnosis (and a rare one, at that) is now being “diagnosed” by spouses, siblings, parents, children, and paraprofessionals like pastors, coaches, and bloggers. Because of this, there are more people being labeled as narcissists than ever before.
As Christians, how should we think about this phenomenon – is it OK to label someone like that? What would Jesus do?
Let’s start by explaining what narcissism is.
According to psychologists, narcissism is a disorder in which someone has an inflated sense of self-importance. Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle criticism, and a sense of entitlement. Diagnosis is rare –fewer than 200,000 US cases per year – but the condition is chronic (lifelong) and cannot be cured.
To label someone as a narcissist is a serious claim.
Lifelong. Incurable. Those are definitive words. But, even with those strong designations, maybe narcissism isn’t as rare as psychologists say it is.
The Bible speaks of our inherently selfish nature. Ephesians 2: 3 says that all of us at one time lived to gratify the carvings of the flesh, and we were, by nature, deserving of wrath. This dates all the way back to the beginning of the human race. When Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the forbidden tree, it was the lure of their selfish desires – their desire for pleasure, popularity, and power – that drew them. The same things that drive narcissists.
James says that it’s selfish desires that start quarrels (James 4: 1) and that selfish desires give birth to sin and sin to death (James 1: 14, 15). And he also knows that where you have selfish ambition, you have disorder and every evil practice (James 3: 16). [Click here to access the list of evil practices/tactics that create disorder]
But does the fact that it’s our nature, in and of itself, presuppose that it is incurable? Not at all. In his letter to the Romans, Paul talks about his selfish and evil desires and desperately cries “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me?” His answer: God, who delivers us through Jesus (Romans 7: 24, 25).
“What a wretched man I am.”
That is the difference between a narcissist and someone who isn’t.
Someone whose selfish condition is not defined as “lifelong and incurable” is able to recognize that they are wretched and need help for their condition. Someone who is truly a narcissist would never admit that. It would be devastating to their identity. It would mean having to surrender and give up control. Like Satan, control is something a narcissist must have. 1 John 5: 19-21 says that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. Satan has minions everywhere – people who are feeding his narcissism and who are codependent on him – not believing that he is evil and falling for his lies.
Like Satan, a narcissist without minions in their control to support their worth would be reduced to nothing – an unbearable situation for them. That is why a narcissist will steal, kill, and destroy to maintain control. And it is why the book of 1 John ends by letting us know that Jesus has come and given us understanding so that we are no longer under Satan’s control. And then it goes on to give us a strong warning to keep ourselves from idols so that we stay away from those who could get us to believe lies and worship them.
[Read my article on what it’s like to live with a narcissist]
Does that mean that a narcissist is beyond salvation?
We want to believe that no one is beyond salvation. After all, nothing is impossible for God. And Acts 2: 21 says that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. But therein lies the problem. Remember Paul’s cry of “what a wretched man I am”? A narcissist cannot utter that cry or call on the name of the Lord. It isn’t that God doesn’t want to save them – it’s that they don’t want to be saved because they don’t see the need to be saved. And God will not force someone to come to him who is not willing.
(As a side note, narcissists are able to learn what to say and what not to say in order to blend in with society. So a narcissist might say that they know they are wretched and need a savior - and they might even say so convincingly, but that doesn’t mean they’re feeling that on the inside or showing it on the outside. Click here to read my article on how to tell if someone is a Christian.)
1 John 5: 16 says that there is a sin that leads to death – a sin so egregious that we are told to not even bother praying for it. Matthew 12: 31, 32 tells us that this unforgivable sin is a rejection of the Holy Spirit. That rejection of the Holy Spirit defines the very nature of a narcissist. [Read my article on how people become narcissists]
Does the Bible give us any hint as to how to handle narcissists?
1. Don’t waste your time or energy on them
In 1 John 5: 16 (quoted in the previous paragraph), there’s a hint: Don’t even bother praying about the sin that leads to death. Too often, codependents (those who stay in relationships with narcissists, feeding their egos and giving them “narcissistic supply”) spend a lot of time and emotional energy doing things (including praying) to try to get their narcissist to change, to love, to be kind, and to be happy. The Bible says that we shouldn’t even bother praying for that. They can’t change, because change requires surrender, and they can’t surrender. So don’t waste your time and energy on them.
That’s not to say that we shouldn’t pray for them at all - we can still pray for the circumstances of their lives; but when it comes to their salvation, we should do as 1 Corinthians 5: 5 says: “Hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit might be saved on the day of the Lord.” [This article may help you resolve any issues of bitterness you might have so that you can pray rightly for him]
2. Don’t yield to them
When you know the truth and are able to set boundaries and stand up for yourself, a narcissist will oppose you. Galatians 4: 16 says, “Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?” That does happen. Tell the truth anyway. Philippians 1: 28 says to not be afraid of those who oppose you, because your lack of fear will be a sign to them that they will be destroyed but that you will be saved. When they see how confident you are in the truth, it will be a sign to them that you are right and they are wrong.
3. Live in peace
1 Corinthians 7: 15 tells us that if an unbeliever (this includes a narcissist [you can read my article about whether someone is a believer here]) can’t live with you in peace, then let them live without you. You aren’t required to stay with someone who, by all intents and purposes, clearly doesn’t have any interest in having a peaceful, healthy relationship with you.
[Click here to read about what the Bible says about divorce]
And when you allow the relationship to go its own way, it could end up being a good thing. 1 Corinthians 7: 16 says “how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?” by your willingness to let go. (Hey, we could always be wrong about them being a narcissist.)
What if there’s a chance that they aren’t a narcissist?
As was implied earlier, there’s a chance that anyone could wrongly “diagnose” someone as a narcissist. Then what? Would all of this prove to be a moot point for you? The consequences of misdiagnosing someone you love could be catastrophic. It could mean the end of relationship for which you’d given up hope under wrong presumptions!
No one wants that. That’s why, in the end, it truly doesn’t matter whether you are accurate about whether someone is a narcissist. Once we understand the truth, know what love is, establish boundaries, and confidently enforce them, we develop a consistency in the way we treat people, regardless of their spiritual, mental, or emotional state. What I mean is that, when someone treats you poorly, crosses a boundary, or opposes you, a healthy person (you) has a response that is consistent regardless of who the offending person is. Here’s an example.
Let’s say that someone gets upset with you and makes an assumption about your reason for doing something. You know the TRUTH, so you
T – Trust your gut
R – Recognize that your feelings give you information
U – Undo what you’ve learned about affirmation, respect, love, submission
T – Tell yourself and others the truth
H – Hold tight to the Word of God [Read my article on God’s will]
And you say, “I can understand why you would think that, but the truth is, here is what my reasoning actually was,” and you explain yourself.
If it’s your boss at work who is upset with you, he might respond with, “Oh, I hadn’t thought about the possibility that you were thinking about it that way. OK. Let’s think about other ways to get this done.”
That’s a healthy response:
1. You had freedom to express your thoughts without fear of retaliation
2. Your perspective was heard and valued
3. The response indicated an acceptance of reality without any indication that you “shouldn’t” have thought about it the way you did
4. He took responsibility for the fact that he hadn’t thought about it that way
5. The result was an ability to move forward amicably
[Click here to access my free resource on signs of a healthy relationship]
Now, let’s say that, instead, when you say “I can understand why you would think that, but the truth is, here is what my reasoning actually was,” and you explain yourself, the response back is: “You can’t think about it that way. That’s the most twisted way of thinking I’ve ever heard, and it’s just an excuse for your poor performance.” And you bristle at whatever might be coming next.
That is an unhealthy response:
You were retaliated against (belittled) for expressing your thoughts. Your perspective was invalidated. The person’s response deviated from reality in that there was a demand that reality adapt to him when he said that it “can’t” be like that. He took no responsibility for his part in the problem. And the result was bad feelings and a roadblock to moving forward.
Your next response is now based on what you know about how he responds, and you will use the 3 C’s [see the step-by-step guide to healthy confrontation]
Stay Calm and don’t READ (Reason, Explain, Argue, or Defend)
Control only what you can
Minimize Contact
And you will respond with the 3 S’s in mind:
Safety – guard your heart, protect yourself emotionally and physically
Security – consider your ability to provide for yourself financially
Sanity – do what it takes to keep yourself clear-headed and calm
You didn’t need to label anyone as a narcissist in order to know how to respond. In fact, your first response is the same regardless of whether someone is emotionally healthy or unhealthy. Then, you tweak your responses from there based on the information that you get about the other person from the way they are responding.
What this boils down to is that the way you interact with people isn’t dependent upon whether they have a chronic mental health condition, whether they have authority over you, or even whether you’re married to them. Your response to them is based upon who you are and the boundaries that you have and the truth that you cling to from God’s word. Because you know that . . . .
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