The givers and the takers

Last Thursday I had an appointment with Dr. Faye Johnson who is a naturopath and a miracle worker.  God worked it out that Jacob was NOT in the room with me, which was unusual, so I wondered what He was up to.

I told Faye that I'm doing another Master Cleanse and that it's been very painful.  My mind keeps going back into the time of the molestations and releasing disturbing memories.  I've been so thankful that I have my new EFT course as I've been able to release them as they come up.  However, I told Faye, my knees have been in absolutely excruciating pain and she reminded me of how fear is stored there.  I know that already but it felt so good coming from her as a possible explanation for all of the pain.

As Faye listened, she said, "What keeps coming up in your body, as you talk, is that you are pissed off about the abuse in your childhood.  Have you ever allowed yourself to totally let out the rage inside of you over this?"  When I didn't answer, she went on, "Oh, I suppose that wouldn't be "Christian?"

That was an interesting thought.  Maybe the reason this really HAS dragged on for me IS because I was taught in Sunday School, and countless sermons, that getting angry is a sin.  We talked about that a lot and my mind opened up to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I have a little bit of anger or rage inside of me over all of the abuse.  Maybe that's why my body keeps limping along???

Faye said, "I see you having to do something active to get rid of all of this negative energy.  I see you in a grain bin just throwing things around and cussing and letting off steam."

That was when I told her that most of the molestations took place in the grain bin.  I told her that I am open to whatever God wants me to do to get rid of whatever is causing all of this pain in my knees.

Towards the end of the treatment, Faye had me turn over onto my abdomen.  She dug her elbow into the tender areas on the outside of my knees.  In a quick movement, she pulled the muscle back out to the side where it belongs.  Yes, this did hurt VERY much and I pondered how they could have pulled in so far.  Maybe I've just been stiff for so long trying to keep from going back into those memories?

After I got my wind back, I sat up and Faye smiled at me.  She said, "You're on a very interesting journey.  What your body said is that you need to develop compassion for all people but until you get rid of all of this rage, that will be impossible for you and you will NOT be able to help everyone that you could otherwise."

I told her, "I have great compassion for anyone who has been abused, but the perpetrators can be fed to the lions as far as I am concerned."

She laughed and said, "And the sooner the better, right?"
I said, "Right!"

Then Faye sobered again and said, "You have the potential to help all sorts of people, but first you must get rid of this rage inside of you.  I'm not saying that anyone wouldn't have had this much anger, if they had lived like you were forced to live.  What I am saying is that you have to get rid of it completely if you want to help absolutely everyone."

I said, "I do," and nodded that I understood what she was saying.   I told Dr. Faye that I will do my homework.  She hugged me and left with, "Take your time in getting ready to go."

It seemed like a little blessing but now I don't think so at all.  What does that mean?  I can take time for ME?  I can take the time that I need?  I matter??????

Well, Friday we went to Hannover for a funeral and yesterday was Sabbath and we were with friends, so there really was no time for letting off steam in grain bins.  This morning, though, I knew that the time had come.  I was nervous, like a caged animal, waiting for the time to come when I would somehow be able to safely release 54 years of rage.  It didn't turn out that way but I am happy to share what did happen when I went out and sat in the oats bin right now.

I was a bit upset that Andrew was working in the shop as I had envisioned the yard being empty when I became a maniac.  Being I had to walk right past him, I figured I better tell Andrew what I was doing so I said, "I'm going to go sit in the oats bin.  Faye said that I need to go in there and get some healing as that is where they molested me." 

Although his eyebrows went up, my son calmly said, "You may not want to go and sit in that bin as there are bugs in there."  UGH,  he knows how much I hate bugs crawling on my skin.

After I toured the other bins and saw that none of them would work, I headed for the oats bin after all.  I calmly opened the door and sat on the edge of the frame and waited for the storm, but it never came.

When I closed my eyes and relaxed, I was drawn to the strong clear voice of my precious son singing praises to God.  As I listened to Andrew singing hymn after hymn, instead of a storm, a great calm swept over me.  "Is this working," I prayed and somehow I knew that God smiled.

That was when I realized that He truly was very close to me there.  My mind went back in time but there was only a calm and somehow I knew that God was telling me that He had been with me through it all.  I had always known that I never could have survived what I did, had He not been close to me, but this was the first time that I had ever returned to that scene and felt a peace and calm.  Andrew's singing brought in that perspective and I praised God for my life that had produced such an incredible person.

After awhile, the bugs did start to bite me, so I closed the bin door and wandered to a quiet place under the trees near where Andrew was working.  Then God gave me a vision of Himself and a group of men who were gathered in what looked like a courtroom.

 God said to me, "What do you think of givers and takers?"

"I think," I replied, "that all takers should become givers."

"Then what would become of the givers?" I was asked.  "Who will they give to?  They need to give, you know, Dawn."

I was stumped and said "I don't know."

"Why do you think the takers take?" God asked next.

"Because they need to, I suppose," I replied.

"Why are they so needy?"

"HMMM.  I don't know," I admitted again.

"What would happen if the givers only gave to the takers when they truly wanted to?  Then what they would give, would fill a need in the takers because they would know that the givers really WANTED to give to them.  It would have more meaning than if the givers just gave all the time, whether they wanted to or not.  Can you see that, Dawn?"

"Yes Lord.  But what will happen to the givers--they need to give you know?" I asked the Lord.

His reply stunned me, "What if the givers would give to THEMSELVES at all times when they don't truly want to give to the takers?
HM  "I suppose," I replied, "that then they wouldn't be so needy from the takers not ever giving to them.  Is that what would happen, Lord?" I queried.

"EXACTLY," was the response.  "Your homework is to think about this, Dawn.  Think about ways that you can give to YOURSELF so that you have something left to give to all of the takers out there in the world."

"You never know," he continued, "Perhaps when a taker is paired with a giver who gives to himself FIRST, then the taker will get richer tidbits from the giver who is much happier and well adjusted.  Perhaps those true tidbits of affection will inspire the taker to begin giving to himself too and THEN, and only then, does he have a chance of becoming a true giver to others for he will know the joy of giving AND receiving from himself."

I smiled and the scene faded away into my subconscious.  Suddenly Andrew's singing was no longer mournful but full of life and blessing for me.  Here he had been giving to me all along but I was not able to take of the nourishment because I had not yet given the gift of love to myself.  I hadn't taken the time for myself to really face the issue deepest in my heart which was how to have healthy relationships when the world is full of so many takers. 

Soon I found myself over by Andrew.  I thanked him deeply for his songs as I pondered life.  He smiled and started singing all over again a song that I had taught him long ago.  "I sing because I'm happy.  I sing because I'm free..."  Soon I found myself singing with my son, with a trembling voice full of joy, and finding him busy with his hands I wandered in here to share my revelations with you all.

So, although my grain bin visit wasn't one bit like Dr. Faye had painted for me, it was better.  My son's faith poured over into my life and filled it with joy and peace.  Further, God Himself showed me that it's NOT selfish to give myself joy on a daily basis.  I CAN truly sit here and take half an hour--maybe even an hour--to share my heart with anyone whom this may bless and NOT FEEL GUILTY that I'm "Not working." 

It's going to take some getting used to but something tells me that I'm going to get through this crisis more quickly now.  I still covet your prayers but now I'm not alone in the world any more--I have ME.  Although I haven't been a very good friend to myself in the past, I am willing to learn how to give to me and that's what's important for now. 

I continue to covet your prayers as my body heals and as my mind learns how to give to me on a daily basis and not think that this is unselfish or unchristian.  If you think that it is, PLEASE just keep your thoughts to yourself.  I've heard them from myself for over 50 years and I don't need any MORE reproof.  What I need now is LOTS of love and most of all--from MYSELF!!!

My God bless everyone with a giving heart towards themselves,

Dawn