Self defense

I'm going to try this again.  I've come to realize that not everyone who reads this knows of my life-threatening illness in 2006.  Further, not everyone who reads this knows ME!  I kind of took it for granted that it was only my close friends who would take their precious time to read my thoughts here, but then, it is open to everyone.  I can just hear some folks thinking, "DA," but then they didn't read the condemning comment that came in last week.

I thought about posting it here but then that didn't seem all that kind to the writer.  Let's just say that it became apparent to me that more information needs to be shared so that ALL those who come here to read my thoughts will have a clear picture of what my motives were as I wrote my last blog post.

Here I am.  I'm 54 years old and that's not to be taken lightly.  After being raised in a SEVERALLY abusive home; suffering repeated miscarriages; surviving several bouts with cancer; and trying to farm in a desert, I completely fell apart 6 years ago.

Robert took me to 4 doctors, including a neurologist, and not one of them could figure out why I had a freight train running through my head.  I was also so dizzy that I couldn't walk without a family member's arm to support me; my head bobbed like it would fall off; AND it felt like someone was holding a hot iron to my neck.

In the Fall of '06 Robert took me to a health center where I lay for 18 days trying to regain my strength.  While there, an angel came to me and whispered in my ear that what I had was internal shingles on my brain.  This was when we started bee venom therapy.  That's right--bee stings in my head and neck.  When this helped, I was able to return home with a jar of Bartlett bees and the promise that Cora would give me the needed bee stings every day.

750 bee stings later, I found BodyTalk and I was able to stop the bee venom therapy because the BodyTalk began to heal the extensive nerve damage in my neck where the shingles had burnt the nerve endings. 

For you BodyTalkers out there, I did Access twice a day for 6 weeks.  I also did cortices up to 20 times a day as needed; and I began in-depth sessions with Elizabeth Hanson.  This not only healed me physically but it also got rid of the belief systems that I was a hopeless victim who just had to take everything that anyone chose to dump on me. 

However, to this day, if I do not do ALL that I can to eliminate stress from my life, I suffer.  What does that mean?  Well, it starts in my shoulders.  It feels as though someone has taken a vice grip to my shoulders and is starting to squeeze.  If I don't back off from stress-full activities and thoughts then, and go and take care of myself, then the pain goes up into my neck.

 If I ignore the pain at this level, and pretend that I can handle everything that everyone tries to dump on me, THEN the pain goes up into my head.  This really is to be avoided at all costs.  When this happens, the freight train starts rumbling through my head again and the pain radiates all the way down my spine.  My head starts to bob slightly and I start to get dizzy again.  All kinds of horrible memories start to surface and I am back to being bedridden.  This has only happened twice since my illness--once was when my mother died unexpectedly and the other time was when I was dealing with cancer.

What I'm saying here is that I KNOW the pain can and will and does come back if I allow myself to get emotionally overwhelmed.  I've often read about people not surviving a second bought of a threatening illness.  It could literally kill me if I get too emotionally drained--like DEAD, like buried in the cemetery!!!

Now, because of all that I've been through, I care so very much for the hurting.  It is VERY draining for me to have someone that I love suffer.  That's why I'm so thrilled to be able to help my family with all of the skills that I have gained in the past 5 years.  That's why I am so very happy when my friends come in to me for BodyTalk sessions.  I know how much BodyTalk has helped me and I want everyone to have this wonderful health care modality in their lives.

 The truth is that I have a very, very tender spot in my heart for ANYONE who is hurting.  The truth is that I very much wish to be used by God to help folks to not suffer needlessly.  This has been the way my heart has been since I was a child.  This is WHY I found myself on my deathbed at the age of 48.  I had never smoked; done drugs including alcohol; I had lived a clean life and STILL I was dying.  WHY?  It was because the sorrow of not being able to help those around me was so great I just couldn't stand it.  I simply could not take seeing all of the endless pain around me and I wore out. 

Now that I have BodyTalk, this has intensified.  Now I have a tool that saved my life.  Now I know the same techniques that Elizabeth used to help me get through those months of agony as I fought for my life.  To have this tool, and to be prevented from using it, is an even GREATER pain than not knowing what to do to help someone was.  It's like having a life preserver with which to help a drowning person.  I throw it out there but the person who sees it coming refuses to grab onto it.  Instead they DROWN in their sorrows--like literally DEAD!!  This was even the case with my own mother!!!!!!!!!!!

 Sometimes I just cannot bear the grief and pain of attending the funeral in this type of situation. Although it hurts me to see the suffering of those around me--it nearly breaks my heart to have them refuse my offer of help.  If it is more harmful then for me to go to a funeral, in such a situation, I need to have enough self worth and common sense to say, "No, I'm going to stay home and take care of myself."

 After all it is not MY fault that they chose to die without accepting my offer of help--many times it's even been an offer of FREE help.  I just cannot see charging someone for emergency care and I have repeatedly offered free sessions for clients who found themselves in the emergency room.  How could I charge someone when they are so desperate?  I know what it's like to be so desperate for help that I would have given ANYTHING to have some hope of help. 

 What makes a person this desperate refuse my offer of help?  I just cannot even begin to grasp what the underlying belief system must be!  My mind cannot wrap itself around facing death and not exploring ALL options of help.  Why would a person do this???  I mean, I didn't set out to have 750 bee stings in my head and neck but it was the only thing keeping me alive.  It wasn't pleasant to put my head on the pillow every day waiting for the stings to enter my skin.  I didn't look forward to doing it but it took down the inflammation in my neck for a little while so I did it.  It worked.  It kept me alive long enough until I found BodyTalk.  I did that, too, in an attempt to keep living and here I am 6 years later................

Sometimes I think about what it must be like for the Lord when I (or others) refuse His help.  I cannot even begin to understand the pain and suffering He must go through to have to watch all of us proud, selfish, hateful, ignorant humans rush about on this planet and ignore His love, help, and salvation.  I mean, He is GOD, who truly DOES have ALL of the answers that we need, and we act as if we don't need HIS help.  Thinking about the sorrow I/we must cause Him at times, makes it easier for me to bear this type of rejection, but it's never easy to bury someone whom I may have been able to help if given the chance.

 I am writing to apologize for sounding a bit angry and frustrated in my last post.  However, it really was the grief and pain that I was experiencing for my brother and for LV that motivated it. My refusing to attend a funeral was not said in spite or pride but in an act of self preservation as I simply cannot bear the pain and grief of people dying or suffering needlessly.  BodyTalk can't save us from death (we're all going to die) but it does stop pain and ease fears.  I KNOW that it would have helped LV have a less complicated surgery as it has been doing that all around the globe for 15 years now.  This knowledge is what caused me the distress that poured out in my last blog post.

I also would like to share that, "Anonymous" seemed very much like he/she was condemning me.  I have written here many times recently about Pastor Prince's teachings on this.  After a lifetime of living under condemnation, I praise God for bringing me to Pastor Prince to learn about how God truly views me.  I would urge Anonymous, and everyone really, to go to www.josephprince.org and subscribe to his daily email. 

Every morning, when I read Pastor Prince's thoughts on grace, I find myself looking at myself in a new light.  I truly AM beloved of God.  Being God loves me so much that He sent His only son to die for me on the cross, I have to ask myself, "What's the big deal?"  Why is it so hard for me to love myself?  Why is it so hard for me to put all of my failures under the blood of Christ?

The only answer I find when I go seeking for the answer to that one is my very old belief system that I don't DESERVE His love.  I'm not good enough for His love.  I have to try to earn his love and favor--as if I ever could.


That's it, then, folks.  Even though I could never do anything to earn God's love, He gives it to me anyway.  Even though I myself have condemned myself constantly for as long as I can remember, just like Anonymous did, it's time to stop.  It's time for me to stop taking in other's condemnation of me and say, "Hey, do you REALLY know what I was going through when I wrote my last blog post?"  Do you REALLY?

My prayer is that you, Anonymous, will begin reading Pastor Prince's daily meditations too.  It will free you from self condemnation and bring you into grace.  Once you stop condemning yourself, and start living under grace, THEN you will truly be a blessing to all those around you whom you seek to comfort.  Otherwise, I would urge you to try to grasp that your comments were NOT a blessing to me at all!  This is not meant to condemn you but rather to point you in the freeing direction of living under God's abundant grace.  Please forgive me if it feels like condemnation.  I certainly know what that feels like and would not wish that on anyone!

For freedom,

Dawn