Those who know me well, know that I have been floundering for over a year--ever since I learned that Michael was going to take my Cora and their sweet babies away from just across the road.
I even made a death wish. I said to God, "I want to die before I see my daughter living the life of a diary farmer's wife!" I lived that life the first 8 years of our marriage and it's pure hell. You have no social life!!! I'm thankful that Father revealed the death wish to me so that I could clear it out with a technique called, "Will to die," from the Body Code program.
Still, each day I look over at an empty house and each day I cry and grieve. I've made myself good and sick again which hasn't increased my will to live. Everything is hard. Learning Advanced Splankna techniques is much harder than it should be. I still don't have my garden 100% planted and I can't stop crying. The tumor in my left shoulder is not budging for over 5 months. );
This morning the guys were happy as it's the day of the Orr Auction and that's what they call "A National Holiday," or at least "A Bornemann holiday". The fields are all planted; there's a lull at the seed cleaning plant; and it rained!
There's lots of reasons to be thankful. It's just harder to feel thankful when you're this sad!!! So after the guys left for the auction at 8:30, I laid on my BETAR table and let it do it's wonders. You see, it helps release emotional pain while you listen to music. I always feel better afterwards.
I listened to Ann Murray and the Gaither Vocal Band. As I listened my body began to release the physical pain and the sadness of 2 of the sweetest babies in the world being far away from Grandma Dawn and Grandpa Robert. He's grieving, too, as he loves those little girls!
I finally could let go of much of what has held me captive this past year. It's like the thought, 'They've moving away," was strangling me. I'm sure that I'll have more times like that but something happened as I listened to the song I'm sharing below. It's called "The Baptism of Jessie Tayler." Have you heard it?
This song came up towards the end of my hour on the table. I had already cried myself out. I was so empty of me that God was able to get through to my spirit and WOW I'm better already.
You see, this song is about a wicked man who found Jesus and that event changed everything. I especially like the line where it says that a LOT of the local men were changed as a result of Jessie's giving his life to the Lord!!
As I listened, I started to remember something old and very meaningful from a time before I was a mother and a grandmother. It's from a time before I was even a wife. It's from the time when I was 11 years old and my parents sent me to church camp, as I was suicidal from the incest, and they thought that maybe the camp people could help me there.
Well, they were right. I will always remember the moment on June 19, 1969 when the Pastor said to us kids that somebody loved us and that His name is the Lord Jesus Christ. When the Pastor explained how we could give our lives to Jesus, I did! He sent us all off to find a private place on the campground where we could talk to Jesus.
That moment is etched in my mind forever as I prayed to repent of my sins and to ask Jesus to come into my life. It felt like tons of weight were lifted from my shoulders and I knew that I was a different person! This week I celebrated 50 years that have passed since that day!! Jesus is the best friend that anyone could ever have!!
He saved my life that day to be sure. I no longer was all alone as I dealt with the incest and later stopped it as He directed me too. Not only that, I had a bigger mission. If there were others out in the world who felt as desperate for love and a reason to keep living, then I would tell them about Jesus. Later, I sang for Jesus to hundreds of people sharing how very special they are to Him.
Isn't it interesting that it was a song that Father used this morning to remind me of the REAL reason that I'm here on the Earth at this time? I'm here to show God's love for everyone so that they will get alone with Him and give Him complete control of their lives!!
As I celebrate 50 years of serving the Lord, I want to say that He is the best friend anyone ever had. All of the ugly hatred that I carried in my heart from having survived 7 years of incest from my 2 oldest brothers is gone! I no longer look at all males and think, "I hate them." I no longer avoid male loan officers at the bank; clerks at the store; salesmen at the car dealership; carpenters working on my house; doctors, lawyers, farmers, auctioneers, my sons, or my husband.
Jesus turned my life around that day 50 Summers ago! He showed me that love is much more powerful than hate!! He showed me that He loves EVERYONE--male and female. He showed me that He has a gloriously happy plan for each life that He puts on this planet! When people find Him and invite Him to live with them and guide them, they're not the same people any more!
As a follower of Jesus, I have the extreme privilege of sharing how to have peace with God. It's an honor to show people the one who loves them sooo much He died on a Roman cross for them VOLUNTARILY!!! I love sharing Jesus with people! He's my very best friend and I pray that, if he isn't your's yet, that you will invite Him to be yours this very day.
As you listen to this video, I would like you to ponder how my giving my life to Jesus at age 11 has changed the world for good. Research shows that 90% of prostitutes survived incest. That could have been ME!! Many other incest victims never survive childhood. Many never can get married. Many (like I did for a long time) refuse to bring children into such an awful world.
Jesus slowly healed me and brought me such rich rewards that I never could have imagined. I didn't know how to have a healthy marriage or how to be a good wife, but the Holy Spirit (Jesus sent Him when He returned to heaven) taught me day by day. I could not ever have imagined being a mother but God did it in spite of my insecurities and self hatred.
Never would I have imagined that I would home school my 3 children for 22 years but God inspired me every day with new ideas to make learning interesting for my students AND for me. I look back now and I see that Jesus was teaching through me for, when I felt no inspiration, He inspired through me. When I had no strength, His strength flowed through me. When I had no courage to take the National Teacher's Exam, His courage carried me through 1 1/2 years of study and the 6 hour test.
I love Jesus. I love the Father. I love the Holy Spirit. Any good that has ever come out of me, is because of their working through me to help others along their paths.
I can see anew this morning that my mission hasn't changed just because I finished home schooling 5 years ago. I'm still a wife. I'm still a mother. Now I'm a grandmother. Better yet, I am still a Christian!! Thank you, dear Jesus, for making all the difference in my life!! Thank you for 50 years of being my best friend! :)
If Jesus isn't your best friend, I pray that you will alter that right this very minute!!! I urge you to let Jesus make the kind of difference He's made in my life; in countless other lives, and as told in the story of Jessie Tayler.
To the sweet lover of my soul!!
Dawn
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