MC3--Days 7 & 8

Some day I'm going to be thin. I'm just telling you as I tell myself. Someday I am going to be the exact opposite of what my brother's used to tell me after they abused me. They used to say, "You're so stupid, fat, and ugly that no man will ever love you." I believed them too.

I used to always kick myself when I did something less than average in the intelligent department. I'd say, "See, they were right--I AM STUPID." It's taken getting a 4-year degree; scoring very well on the National Teacher's Exam; passing the insurance agent exam; and scoring above the doctor and lawyer level on the GATB test for me to accept that I am NOT stupid.

The ugly part is something that I can't figure out exactly how to go about convincing myself of otherwise. I guess BodyTalk has helped more than anything, to show me the beauty that God put into all of the intricacies that make up me, but it's still something that I struggle with. Sometimes Robert will say to me, "You KNOW that is a lie, Dawn, as I love you and I am very definitely a man!!!" Being as we just celebrated 29 years of marriage, he MUST really mean it!!!

Now the fat part is just plain too obvious to be debatable. I mean there's just NO QUESTION of that part not being true. I've believed that I was doomed to be fat for as long as I can remember that this is what I have become!!! Pretty stupid, huh?

Well, I praise God that He has led me to BodyTalk, EFT, and Dr. David Illig's Success World cassette program. I've never written about Dr. Illig yet but I found him on a shelf in the thrift store in Bismark marked $1 at the end of August. I have been soooooooooooooo blessed with his work as I listen to the tape which reprograms the subconscious mind to come into line with the truth.

WOW!!! I have really come to believe now that I WILL BE THIN SOME DAY!!! If I didn't, I wouldn't be in Andrew's room right now typing on this blog post. I would be out at the supper table with my men folk eating the Barbecued Beef pizza that Cora and I made for them and the poppy seed cake that Jacob made for the Sabbath feast. Oh yes, I'd be sipping the warm mulled apple cider in a mug instead of a tall glass of kombucha seeing as I'm a bit weary of the lemonade right now.

So, you see, I'm writing to all of you about the sacrifices that I'm making to get thin. I want you all to know that this is day 8 of the Master Cleanse diet and it'll be a whole 'nother week until I get to sip some of that apple cider. It's not that I want your pity but it's that I don't want your jealousy when I AM THIN!!!

Let me tell you about a situation that used to hold me back before Dr. Illig came along. This was almost 30 years ago when the trauma of moving back to my home town (when I married Robert) got me to eating big time. It wasn't long before I was up to 220 pounds and nobody would have argued with me then that I was fat.

Well, some ladies from my church decided to start a weight loss "Club." I attended regularly and decided to do something about my problem. It wasn't long and I'd lost 60 pounds. One night I met one of these "Friends" face to face in church accidentally. She stared at me and blurted out these words in a gut-wrenching spiteful voice, "I HATE YOU, DAWN BORNEMANN."

I was so shocked that I burst into tears and ran out to my car. I never spoke to her again and I slowly started putting the weight back on. Somehow I got the message that, if I wanted to have any friends, I needed to stay fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It wasn't until I started learning BT that I came to understand that we live about 90% of our lives in our subconscious. So, every time I tried to lose weight in the past, or keep it off after I'd lost it, something down below said, "You're going to lose your friends because they're going to be jealous of your success Dawn."

Isn't that amazing??????????? So, tonight while I'm keeping myself from the feast of Sabbath, which is the highlight of the week for our family, I am in here telling myself that I AM GOING TO BE THIN SOMEDAY. It WILL be worth the effort to lose all of the weight--no matter what anybody says or thinks. I AM taking better care of myself now and I AM feeling better and that IS pretty smart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO THERE!!!

It was great yesterday, at the big rummage sale in town, to look at smaller clothes!!! The highlight of the day for me was when I was digging through the underwear box. I always majorally disinfect everything that I buy which isn't new so I was "Just looking." There was something with blue stripes in the box which looked kind of interesting but I couldn't figure out what it was. Suddenly I got it all turned around and held it up to reveal the largest pair of ladies' underwear that I have ever seen in my entire life. I mean they were 3 times the size of mine.

My neighbor, who was volunteering their, was nearby. I said held them up for her to see and said, "Hey, Tanya, THINGS COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE!!!!" She cracked up and we sent laughter bouncing off the hallways of the parochial school. Cora joined in and it felt sooooooo good to have my weight down to the point now where I don't feel like I AM THE BIGGEST PERSON IN THE WORLD ANYMORE!!!!!

Still, I covet your prayers as I push on to greater healing and greater strength. We're half way through this cleanse now and Cora and I are cheering each other on. It really is MUCH easier to do with someone else. The only problem that we have now is that neither one of us wants to cook. She's lost over 10 pounds and I'm almost there so that IS encouraging.

We had a ball at the sale and brought home 4 HUGE black garbage bags full and 2 grocery bags full for the grand total of $27.20. Now that's what I call SHOPPING!!!! Today we've been washing everything and putting away the summer things in the attic. It's always been a large chore for me to manage the change of clothing exchange at the end of Winter and Summer. It's so nice now that the children are older now and can do their own.

We're still working on apples but are finishing up on the tomatoes. Cora has been such a blessing in this area. The guys have been working on the combines to get them ready for the sunflower harvest. It won't be the crop that we had hoped for this Spring, when things were wet, but God always meets our needs one way or the other!!!

Today the Lord struck home the message that I've been sensing He was hinting at yesterday with the turkeys. I had broken open one of the large squashes that are waiting for the goats and chased the turkeys over to it. They walked right by it. I got out of there so that I wouldn't chase them away but they still didn't see that I had given them so food. It was so exasperating and I knew that God was telling me that HE GETS TIRED OF ME AT TIMES TOO WHEN HE'S TRYING TO HELP ME AND I WON'T LET HIM.

Well, this afternoon Ellen called to tell me that somebody we know committed suicide. I was just stunned as she's been working in the BodyTalk clinic in Bismarck for X years and I met her in 2007 in Modules 1 & 2. Ellen said that she learned that every time us BodyTalkers met to practice, this lady would NOT allow anyone to work on her.

It gave me the shivers as I pondered that she could have had the best possible care available today and for free as we exchange sessions on each other at practice. SHE TURNED DOWN GOD'S HELP MONTH AFTER MONTH UNTIL SHE NO LONGER FELT GOD'S LOVE FOR HER!!! Just like the turkeys not being able to see that I loved them enough to break open that squash for them, she couldn't see that God loved her so much that He sent His ONLY son to die on the cross for her. NOW SHE'S DEAD! She leaves a grown son and a grieving mother and many people who tried to help her.

OH GOD, SHOW ME HOW TO HELP PEOPLE SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM AND WANT TO HELP THEM FIND THEIR WAY TO THE PEACE THAT YOU HAVE FOR THEM!!!! This is my Sabbath prayer tonight.

Sleep well and happy Sabbath!

Dawn


PS. This is definitely one of the posts that I'll cringe at later for posting before proof-reading. However, I am tired and I hear that they are done with the feast so I will go and join them for family prayer time. Please bear with the imperfections!!!