The Nudge

I am sooooo grateful to those of you who have said that you pray for me! Like I shared in my last post, prayer truly IS the most incredible gift that anyone could ever give another person--other than leading them to the Lord, of course!

So much has happened here this past week. Ever since Jacob's test, I've been wanting to share how the Lord used that testing experience to show me that I needed to sell my milk-cow, Clara. I cried, after Jacob's test was finished, as I told Kristen and Jacob about how hard it was to release Clara, but that I could see that Jacob needs to be my priority. Kristen patted Jacob's hand then, and said to him, "You have a good mom."

That was great and soothing then, but this morning when I went out to the barn and she was gone, there truly was no comfort for me to be had. I cried and cried most of the morning. Now, when the guys left to go watch last year's calves be sold, I just couldn't go with. It's the first time since we started farming again that I had no desire to go with to the sale. How can I go there knowing that Clara is there waiting to be put on some truck for some feedlot somewhere--at best.

I think you all know what the, "At worst" part is. I tried to convince myself to keep her until she died, like I did with my all-time-favorite milk goat, Rachel. However, Clara is worth a lot of money alive and NONE dead. Also I can't imagine the grief I'd go through watching her decline. To eat her ourselves is out of the question. I used to laugh at city slickers who were timid about eating an animal. However, Clara is one animal that I know I could never stomach eating.

This morning when I pondered writing this post, I was going to call it, "Perfect timing." I was going to share how God led me to my very own BodyTalk office yesterday in Bismarck on the very same day that my family hauled Clara in to the sales barn (the day before the sale). I praised God last night through my tears, as I thought of Clara being in the sales barn instead of here at home with me, that He had brought me a new joy on the day of such a great sorrow.

I really AM excited about my new office, but the reality of Clara's empty stall this morning has been hitting hard today. Clara was my friend. She was 14 years old and I dreamed of helping her to reach the distinciton of being the oldest cow in the world through her regular BodyTalk sessions. Some day soon I will post her last formal session report--when I have the heart for it. I did that session the day that Jacob was testing and it is a comfort to know that God really does want me to sell her so that I can focus on Jacob's schooling as my business grows. Like I told Kristen, "Something has to give," and it was a comfort to me that day when she understood what I meant.

Well, it's NOT going to be home schooling that goes--there are 4 wonderful years of home schooling left before I have to say goodbye to THAT chapter in my life. I can't imagine how I'll cry that day, after investing 21 years of my life into my children in that way. Still, I milked Clara night and day (except when I was ill or busy in the fields or nowadays with clients) for over 5 years. [Oh Clara, how I miss you my dear sweet Brown Swiss cow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] You probably guessed that I'm crying again, so it is so nice to be alone here and be able to write about my sadness at parting with the most wonderful cow in the whole wide world.

So now you understand why I didn't want to go along to the sale. I told my men-folk that I would stay home and do a few distance BT sessions that need doing. Then Andrew gave me THE NUDGE!!!! He's nudged me a few times over the past couple of years to finish my book. However, since he got back from a home school graduation recenly, he has been studying self-publishing as the graduate was trying to find ways to publish a book that she had written.

If you remember YELLOW DAISIES, then you've been around a long time. I started it when I was yet VERY ill, as my mind needed to know that I was doing good with my time even when my body was still bed-ridden. It also seemed to take my mind off of the pain in my body to be focusing on the early days of our marriage. When I got well, it seemed like a distasteful task to finish it. So much pain is tied up in it that I'd just as soon forget the whole thing.

I know that the Lord wants the story told about how He saved Robert's and my marriage 20 years ago. I know that He wants me to share how I could have contracted a lethal disease from the man that I thought was somehow an improvement on the one that God had given to me. I've known for almost 20 years that the Lord wanted me to tell the story in written form because every person that I told it to verbally was deeply touched by the love of God for Robert; myself, and our family.

I guess I just thought that someday, when I'm not so busy I'd finish YELLOW DAISIES. Now I feel Him urging me to go and work on it some more TODAY!!! Today, when my heart is grieving the loss of my dear Clara AND the house is quiet--THIS IS THE TIME I MUST WRITE.

First, though, I need to know that others will pray for me. PLEASE pray for me to finish this work. After I got into the story, I could see that the Lord was trying to do MORE than just show how HE saved our marriage. I believe that He will use it to soften the hearts of those who question HIS plan for one man to marry one woman and raise children together who will serve and love HIM--the giver of life. I covet all of your prayers as I again take the time and energy to dig into the past!

Andrew urged me to consider that my finishing the story can possibly make us some money. How I have detested money most of my life, but now I see that a Christian can do more good with money than without it. After all, it's going to take quite a bit of money to build the health center here that He showed me He would do when I was up at Paulette's on my deathbed.

Perhaps I really AM ready to finish YELLOW DAISIES?

Before I go dig into that project, though, I simply MUST pay tribute to the incredible cow who stole my heart with her quiet dignity the first time that I laid eyes on her 5 years ago. Being she's a Brown Swiss, I had thought of calling her, "Heidi" as I so love that movie filmed in the Swiss Alps. Everyone here chuckled at that name, though, so I picked Heidi's cousin, Clara, instead.

I hope that you will enjoy this last picture review of milking time, taken a few weeks ago, here at SEEDS OF HONOR! By the way, 4 of our 6 milk cows were sold today in Napoleon; one will be hamburger for our customers; and the sixth one, Sally, is still here pumping milk for our bottle calves whose mothers couldn't care for them. Andrew plans to get Sally put into a good home as she is young and a good milker with many good years ahead of her yet. For now, though, Sally is safe at home with us.

This picture is kind of dark but you can see Cheerio (Andrew's cow) leading the way; Lilac (Jacob's cow) is in the shadows pulling into her stall beside Cheerio; and Clara is next but still outside. This was our second batch. In the first batch not shown were Sally (Andrew's cow), Louisa (Cora's cow), and Sadie (Cora's cow).

Here is Clara pulling into her stall on the South end of the milking parlor. I just love her ears which are full of soft hair. I love her big, brown eyes which gaze at me with wonder, but the part that I love the most about her is the light circle of hair all around her muzzle. I wanted to touch it so many times but never did. A couple of times she let me touch her ear, though. I could lean up against her side or leg any time I wanted and oftentimes, her calf would kick at me. Oh, what a wonderful thing it is to be loved by a diary cow!!!!

Once the cows were in their stalls, somebody would pull the cables that locked in their head-gates so that they couldn't get out. Depending on the weather, we'd close the big barn door. Here is Cora enjoying the lovely Spring weather.

When I did my BodyTalk sessions on Clara, I'd pull up a chair beside her. She'd perk up her ears to hear what I'd say. Sometimes, she'd stop chewing her oats and gaze at me with her gorgeous brown eyes. I'd find the links and then tap them on myself most of the time. Sometimes I'd need to tap them on her but she never minded. I'd take the brush and give her a scratch if her session was short. OH HOW I LOVE THAT COW!!!!

Cora caught this one of me as I said, "Goodbye" to my girl until next time.

The thing that separates that day from this one is that now there isn't going to be any more next times. CLARA IS GONE AND MY DREAM OF HAVING THE OLDEST LIVING COW IS GONE WITH HER. Worse than that--MY FRIEND IS GONE FOREVER!

Please pray for me,

Dawn