Except for the grace of God

All right, I'll confess that I am a perfectionist. My personality type is STRONGLY melancholy which INSISTS upon perfection. The melancholy is the type of person who gives themselves shingles when they can't make the whole world perfect, including themselves. That is the down side of my personality. The good part is that I took to heart every lesson that my voice teacher, Dianna Moxness, drilled into me during my school years and she made me into a very good singer. My English teachers were just as demanding and they made me into a pretty fair writer. So, as I taught my children their English lessons through the years, I would drill and drill and grill them about what made "Good writing"until perfection was as closely attained as possible.
This led to the habit of having them critique the writing that came into the house through the morning mail. Whether the newspaper or magazine articles or penpal's letters--all were fair game. It has made them better writers, to be sure. This morning, however, the Lord has shown me the down side of this particular twist of my melancholy disposition. To put it bluntly, how would you like to have your friendly letter to your penpal critiqued down to every last comma? I've even thought of myself as the "Comma queen" at times. ):
Well, as I was going over the mail this morning, the Lord showed me how very uncharitable this habit has become. I was pricked in my heart to repent and now I must write and share my experience with this "Better than thou" aspect of my personality. When I could see what I was doing, I was ashamed that I have been teaching my children to be critical of their friends in this way. So I asked the Lord what I could do about this habit that I have taught my children. He reminded me of Pastor Bill whom we haven't seen in over a decade. Still, Pastor Bill was such an unforgettable example of love and compassion that his words live on in my heart. I am taking the time to share this with you now because I feel that perhaps his words are needed today in more hearts than just mine?
Pastor Bill was an incredible man of God and Robert and I were both so blessed to have him teach our young couple's Sunday School class when we were still Sunday keepers. He was the "Perfect" choice to influence young couples, who were bearing and raising their children. I can recall him saying that he prayed every day for us ladies who were pregnant in his class. At one point there were 4 of us and a joke circulated that the other ladies needed to be careful where they sat. :) Seriously, it was so wonderful knowing that Pastor Bill was praying for me every day that I bore Andrew in my womb. I'm sure that he didn't stop after the birth either. :)
Anyway, we were talking about pride one day with Pastor Bill and he shared something with us that I should apparently pull out and ponder more often than I have been. He said that whenever he felt tempted to elevate himself above someone else (which he certainly could have been tempted to do with his fine character), he told himself something which put things in the right perspective.
I can still see his wise eyes shining as he shared this gem of truth with us from his life experiences. Pastor Bill said, "Any time that I think I'm better than someone else, I look at that person and think, 'Except for the grace of God, THERE GO I."
WOW--except for God's grace in my life, forgiving me of all my pride and other foolishness, I would be JUST LIKE THAT PERSON I AM DESPISING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!
My mind just went back to a Scripture passage that God used to say the same thing 20 years ago when I was beginning my recovery work from incest. I was in a Bible study with women and this passage was being discussed. Ephesians 2:1-3 and I'll write the whole thing so that you don't have to look it up. "And you hath He quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins. Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience. Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.
After the Bible study had ended and I was alone, I pondered that passage. It cut through my pride like nothing I'd ever read. I got so angry with God that I pounded my fist on the table and demanded from Him, "Do you mean to tell me that you view me just as my brothers?" It was one of the times that I heard the audible voice of God. He said, "Why are you pounding your fist on the table Dawn? Why is your face red with anger? Could it be that you ARE a child of wrath just as the others--just as your brothers?"
I got so furious to think that God didn't know the difference between my anger at their abuse and their anger which caused the abuse. I went to my bedroom and raged at God, "How can you say that to me when I have served you all of my life?"
Very calmly He answered, "Are you a child of wrath, Dawn, just as the others?"
Then I could see that I was full of wrath and the love of God made it very clear to me that I was NOT any different than those whom I was hating. Repentance was sweet that day and it was the real beginning of my recovery from all of the abuse I suffered in my childhood home.
So, as I ponder all that I've written just now, while Cora's lovely piano music fills the house, I see that the Father has continually been chipping away at all of the things that I used to think I needed to "Survive." Truthfully, HE IS ALL THAT I HAVE EVER NEEDED AND HIS LOVE IS SWEETER THAN ANY VENGEANCE EVER COULD BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Truthfully, it is sweet to be able to remind myself this morning that, "Except for the grace of God, there go I--a child of wrath just as the others," or maybe just a "Poor" writer. :)