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Hello everyone,

I've been sick again.  It just crept up on me and took over in the aftermath of Cora's moving away; traveling to take Advanced Splankna training in Denver;  the guys getting seeding finished; and trying to get my garden planted.

I'm so thankful for the natural healing tools that Father has given to me including hot/cold shower treatments; BodyTalk; onion poultices; bedrest; new drops from Dr. Gus; and SUMMER!  Still it's been a tough month and I'm finally feeling like I'm pulling ahead of it some.  I would sure appreciate your prayers to be able to put this behind me.

Father has led me to a rabbi who has written a book to the church of Jesus Christ.  I was drawn to the book right away and ordered 4 copies for my family and I.  Rabbi Landry, who loves God very much, explains why the church is so ineffective--it's because we've lost our identity.

I just signed up for Rabbi Landry's weekday video devotionals.  Perhaps you will be interested in doing the same?  This video is a sample of his teaching style and his passion to help Christians become totally effective for our Savior.You can get to know him better here: www.curtlandry.com

Have a great week everyone,

Dawn--still coughing

Celebrating 50 years!!!!

Those who know me well, know that I have been floundering for over a year--ever since I learned that Michael was going to take my Cora and their sweet babies away from just across the road.

I even made a death wish.  I said to God, "I want to die before I see my daughter living the life of a diary farmer's wife!"  I lived that life the first 8 years of our marriage and it's pure hell.  You have no social life!!!  I'm thankful that Father revealed the death wish to me so that I could clear it out with a technique called, "Will to die," from the Body Code program.

Still, each day I look over at an empty house and each day I cry and grieve.  I've made myself good and sick again which hasn't increased my will to live.  Everything is hard.  Learning Advanced Splankna techniques is much harder than it should be.  I still don't have my garden 100% planted and I can't stop crying.  The tumor in my left shoulder is not budging for over 5 months.  );

This morning the guys were happy as it's the day of the Orr Auction and that's what they call "A National Holiday," or at least "A Bornemann holiday".  The fields are all planted; there's a lull at the seed cleaning plant; and it rained!

There's lots of reasons to be thankful.  It's just harder to feel thankful when you're this sad!!!  So after the guys left for the auction at 8:30, I laid on my BETAR table and let it do it's wonders.  You see, it helps release emotional pain while you listen to music.  I always feel better afterwards.

I listened to Ann Murray and the Gaither Vocal Band.  As I listened my body began to release the physical pain and the sadness of 2 of the sweetest babies in the world being far away from Grandma Dawn and Grandpa Robert.  He's grieving, too, as he loves those little girls!

I finally could let go of much of what has held me captive this past year.  It's like the thought, 'They've moving away," was strangling me.  I'm sure that I'll have more times like that but something happened as I listened to the song I'm sharing below.  It's called "The Baptism of Jessie Tayler."  Have you heard it?

This song came up towards the end of my hour on the table.  I had already cried myself out.  I was so empty of me that God was able to get through to my spirit and WOW  I'm better already.

You see, this song is about a wicked man who found Jesus and that event changed everything.  I especially like the line where it says that a LOT of the local men were changed as a result of Jessie's giving his life to the Lord!!

As I listened, I started to remember something old and very meaningful from a time before I was a mother and a grandmother.  It's from a time before I was even a wife.  It's from the time when I was 11 years old and my parents sent me to church camp, as I was suicidal from the incest, and they thought that maybe the camp people could help me there.

Well, they were right.  I will always remember the moment on June 19, 1969 when the Pastor said to us kids that somebody loved us and that His name is the Lord Jesus Christ.  When the Pastor explained how we could give our lives to Jesus, I did!  He sent us all off to find a private place on the campground where we could talk to Jesus.

 That moment is etched in my mind forever as I prayed to repent of my sins and to ask Jesus to come into my life. It felt like tons of weight were lifted from my shoulders and I knew that I was a different person!  This week I celebrated 50 years that have passed since that day!!  Jesus is the best friend that anyone could ever have!!

He saved my life that day to be sure.  I no longer was all alone as I dealt with the incest and later stopped it as He directed me too.  Not only that, I had a bigger mission.  If there were others out in the world who felt as desperate for love and a reason to keep living, then I would tell them about Jesus.  Later, I sang for Jesus to hundreds of people sharing how very special they are to Him.

Isn't it interesting that it was a song that Father used this morning to remind me of the REAL reason that I'm here on the Earth at this time?  I'm here to show God's love for everyone so that they will get alone with Him and give Him complete control of their lives!! 

As I celebrate 50 years of serving the Lord, I want to say that He is the best friend anyone ever had.  All of the ugly hatred that I carried in my heart from having survived 7 years of incest from my 2 oldest brothers is gone!  I no longer look at all males and think, "I hate them."  I no longer avoid male loan officers at the bank; clerks at the store; salesmen at the car dealership; carpenters working on my house; doctors, lawyers, farmers, auctioneers, my sons, or my husband.

Jesus turned my life around that day 50 Summers ago!  He showed me that love is much more powerful than hate!!  He showed me that He loves EVERYONE--male and female.  He showed me that He has a gloriously happy plan for each life that He puts on this planet!  When people find Him and invite Him to live with them and guide them, they're not the same people any more!

As a follower of Jesus, I have the extreme privilege of sharing how to have peace with God.  It's an honor to show people the one who loves them sooo much He died on a Roman cross for them VOLUNTARILY!!!  I love sharing Jesus with people!  He's my very best friend and I pray that, if he isn't your's yet, that you will invite Him to be yours this very day.

As you listen to this video, I would like you to ponder how my giving my life to Jesus at age 11 has changed the world for good.  Research shows that 90% of prostitutes survived incest.  That could have been ME!!  Many other incest victims never survive childhood.  Many never can get married.  Many (like I did for a long time) refuse to bring children into such an awful world.

Jesus slowly healed me and brought me such rich rewards that I never could have imagined.  I didn't know how to have a healthy marriage or how to be a good wife, but the Holy Spirit (Jesus sent Him when He returned to heaven) taught me day by day.  I could not ever have imagined being a mother but God did it in spite of my insecurities and self hatred.

Never would I have imagined that I would home school my 3 children for 22 years but God inspired me every day with new ideas to make learning interesting for my students AND for me.  I look back now and I see that Jesus was teaching through me for, when I felt no inspiration, He inspired through me.  When I had no strength, His strength flowed through me.  When I had no courage to take the National Teacher's Exam, His courage carried me through 1 1/2 years of study and the 6 hour test.

I love Jesus.  I love the Father.  I love the Holy Spirit.  Any good that has ever come out of me, is because of their working through me to help others along their paths.

I can see anew this morning that my mission hasn't changed just because I finished home schooling 5 years ago.  I'm still a wife.  I'm still a mother.  Now I'm a grandmother.  Better yet, I am still a Christian!!  Thank you, dear Jesus, for making all the difference in my life!!  Thank you for 50 years of being my best friend!  :)

If Jesus isn't your best friend, I pray that you will alter that right this very minute!!!  I urge you to let Jesus make the kind of difference He's made in my life; in countless other lives, and as told in the story of Jessie Tayler.

To the sweet lover of my soul!!

Dawn

Is it easy?

Is it easy for you to follow Christ right now?  Is it the hardest time ever for you to believe that God works all things together for good to those who love Him?  Most of us are probably somewhere between those two extremes at all times--which is a blessing!

If life ever gets too easy, I start to wonder if I've slipped off the straight and narrow path recently.  Christ said that we would have persecutions but that He would be with us through them all and He meant it.

Even the hardest times of my life, I knew that I could pray to Him and He would help me in His way and in His time.  All the suicidal incest years, I knew that I wasn't alone.  I could feel Him near me during the worse violence against my little body.

All the miscarriage years, I knew that He had taken my wee ones to live with Him in Heaven.  They were the lucky ones!! I even heard them singing to me once--I think it was after my 11th miscarriage.

During the health challenges that have nearly taken me to Heaven on numerous occasions, He was ever so close to me.  Sometimes I felt him laying his cheek against mine as my daughter gave me  750 bee stings over a year's span to keep me living.

We all have our challenges.  We all watch our dreams die sooner or later.  What do we do then?  Do we give up and say, "God mustn't care about me after all?"  Do we reach out to someone we trust and share what we're really going through?  Do we trust that God has a purpose for our sufferings?  No, He doesn't send the suffering.  He's incapable of that.  HE HELPS US THROUGH THEM ALL!!!

Cora is gone and she's not coming back to be my neighbor just across the road--just over there.  This past year my Lord has spent countless hours trying to prepare me for this.  The gloom has been second only to that of shingles on the brain or 17 lost babies.  How come God let me love my grandbabies only to take them so far away?

I've heard it all before.  It's better than if they lived 2 days away.  It's better than the old days when there was no communication.  It's better than if they weren't saved!  I've even been told that it's good that they're leaving our neighborhood; our tea parties; our Bible studies; our family gatherings as little birdies are meant to leave the nest.  Of course, SHE has her little birdies at home for many years yet.  ):

To Robert and I, our dream died.  We worked like slaves for decades to provide an opportunity for our children to live near us and to partner with us in business.  We thought it was all as we had hoped!

So I went to Advanced Splankna training in Denver with a broken heart and it's still broken.  However, it's healing a little bit every week.  Now it's been almost a month since they left and we're adjusting.

I helped Cora a lot before they moved so she could pack.  When I wasn't feeling well or had my own supper to prepare, I went over and watched the babies so she could get some work done.  I told myself, "When they're not living here any more, I will have time to plant my garden and weed and restock the flower beds."  It bothered me to see the weeds growing but I wanted to soak up every moment that I had with my daughter and her sweet little girls.

So now, after people's gardens are well established, NOW I have time to put in my garden.  The Lord has been healing me as I dig in the dirt and water my seedlings.  Somehow He WILL make it beautiful here again.  He's even given me a vision of how beautiful it will be here later on!

This morning, then, I planted flowers around the mailbox.  That was always Cora's touch of home to our farm.  Before she left, she said, "Mom, could you at least plant flowers around the mailbox?"  I had said "Yes" but I had neither time nor flowers then.  Yesterday I remedied that!  I went to my friend, Shawn's, greenhouse and filled the trunk with flowers.  Now I have 2 yards to keep beautiful!

After the guys left for an auction sale at 9:00 sharp, and before I could feel sorry for myself that the farmstead across the road is sitting empty, I grabbed some purple and white petunias and headed across the road.  After digging out all the weeds growing there, I planted the flowers with great sadness that I alone would water them this Summer.

Then Summer started to sink into me.  The earth started to feel old and familiar and comforting again.  Then I started to sing.  I really haven't sung much since they moved away.  It's my nature to sing.  It's my gift to sing.  It's my joy to sing but I haven't been able to sing wholeheartedly since
May 25th, 2019 when Michael took his family back to the farm that he grew up on.

So this morning I sang softly at first and then with gusto as the Lord healed me a little bit of the vast emptiness in me.  I sang the same song over and over to the pretty blossoms all around me  "Beautiful, Beautiful, God's made you beautiful."  Suddenly I knew it was time to write again.

I tried to find that song on Youtube but couldn't.  Instead, I found this one and I think it also portrays how I'm feeling right now.  Our Lord is beautiful!  His world is beautiful!  His plan is beautiful even when I can't see it or feel it or touch it.

As long as I keep following Him, I am beautiful too.  SO ARE YOU!!

Please keep me in your prayers.  I wish I could say that I'm feeling lots better for writing this as I sometimes am.  However, I'm listening to this song as I write and I agree with the prayer sung here.  Lord please show me that you make ALL things beautiful in your time!

Still sad,

Dawn