The Lord taketh away and the Lord giveth

THE LORD TAKETH AWAY AND THE LORD GIVETH!!!

I know that this passage is usually reversed in our minds. The concept comes from the book of Job in the Bible. God had just allowed Satan to remove most of Job's riches, except for his wife. Job's wife, supposedly his biggest blessing from God, had just advised Job to "Curse God, and die." Job said to his wife, "What, shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away."

As I ponder, today on Mother's Day, the many children that the Lord took away from us through miscarriage, I am saddened again. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if they had lived. Sometimes my grief for them, like last night at family prayer time, flows out fresh tears of sorrow as I miss my babies. Some of them would be in their late teens, with the youngest being about 5 years old.

Robert and I would have had a VERY full quiver--even according to home school standards, had our children all lived. One time a friend asked me how I was able to bear repeated miscarriages. I told her, "Robert just kept saying to me, 'You need to keep thinking about what you HAVE and not about what you have LOST!!!'"

That thought has indeed helped me as I eventually was able to accept that God intended for us to have 3 living children. Hence, although the Lord took away most of our children, He gave us THREE LIVING ONES. For a long time it was very hard thinking of all of the dead ones as "Failures". Now I see, though, that the Lord had it all planned out as He has allowed me to play a role in helping many families through my BodyTalk business. Why, just this afternoon I was blessed to be able to work with a husband and dad whose life affects many others. Praise the Lord for shaping my life in this awesome way!

As I share these new pictures from around here, I decided to continue with the taketh away/giveth theme. Pollyanna would say, "It's how you play the glad game." My goal is to help each one of you, to begin to look for the bright side of EVERY situation.

Although my grandmothers and mother aren't here to enjoy the Spring flowers anymore, I am soooooo glad that the Lord blessed our efforts to get some tulips started. Even though I was kicking myself for not getting them covered with straw last Fall, He blessed us with a thick blanket of snow that did the same thing. Here they are for ALL to enjoy. Who knows, maybe someday I'LL be that grandmother who shows her little people the pretty tulips in the Spring like my Grandma Martha did when I was little!

Even though Cora and I couldn't get the incubator to work a month ago, see how the Lord has blessed us anyway. The mother hatched them for us and we are raising them ourselves as last year something in the brush around here, did in most of our baby chicks. Even though that was bad, this year we are given a fresh chance to keep these little ones alive--and to keep them in the box. :)

This is one, "Taketh away," that is wonderful no matter what way you look at it. I wrote earlier that the railroad company came to take our rocks away. They need them on Goose Lake as the track is in danger with high water and 50 mph winds. We've been dreaming of getting the money together to bury the rocks and now they are walking away all on their own. :) This operator REALLY knows what he's doing. He climbs on top of the rock pile; starts scooping from the outside; and cleans up the whole thing in a couple of hours. I believe that one of the boys will be posting a movie of it soon.

How many of you remember my finger saga? Well, it's almost half a year since it began. I thought that you may be interested in seeing a recent picture of it. The nail is dead and it is slowly being pushed out by the new nail. You can actually see inside a fingernail as the edge of it is exposed now.

Perhaps you may recall that anger and sexuality are stored in that finger? Well, as I watch that new nail appear, I praise God that He has taken away all of the hatred that I harbored there for decades. As I ponder the new fingernail, I realize that the Lord has given me a new life now. I no longer have to helplessly cry out in despair that, "Life isn't fair!" Now I have a new life, with new tools, to help me process my emotions so that they don't have to store up in my body and cause my pain and heartache for the rest of my life. I praise God that He led me to BodyTalk when He did! He took away the BVT (bee venom therapy) and has given me BT (BodyTalk). Cora prefers the later as well. :)

And now for pictures of my greatest treasures on Mother's day--the people who made me a mother. I'm doing this in reverse order as Jacob need not always be last. Here he is using Andrew's camcorder to make the movie of the excavator I showed above.

Here is Andrew mowing the lawn for the first time this year with his repaired give-away lawn mower in our playground. There IS a fence between him and the cattle. :)

Here is my oldest living child--Cora. She surprised me right before she went to work after lunch with a mother's day gift. It was a roaster that we have desperately been needing as my 25 cent one from a rummage sale sprung a leak. She also bought a thermometer for the kitchen as ours broke. She also told me that, "These are the practical gifts, but something pretty was coming yet." Whatever that means. :)

Here Robert and I are looking at the thermometer. Robert is my faithful husband for almost 30 years. His optimism and determination have strengthened me over and over during these 23+ years of motherhood.

The last tribute I wish to make is to my loving Heavenly Father! Not only has He brought me through 23 years of motherhood; almost 30 years of marriage; and some terrible health challenges--HE HAS BEEN WITH ME EVER SINCE I WAS BEGUN IN MY MOTHER'S WOMB 53 years ago.

How I love this passage from Psalm 139: 13 - 18.

FOR THOU HAST POSSESSED MY REINS;

THOU HAST COVERED ME IN MY MOTHER'S WOMB.

I WILL PRAISE THEE;

FOR I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE:

MARVELLOUS ARE THY WORKS;

AND THAT MY SOUL KNOWETH RIGHT WELL.

MY SUBSTANCE WAS NOT HID FROM THEE,

WHEN I WAS MADE IN SECRET,

AND CURIOUSLY WROGHT IN THE

LOWEST PARTS OF THE EARTH.

THINE EYES DID SEE MY SUBSTANCE,

YET BEING UNPERFECT;

AND IN THY BOOK

ALL MY MEMBERS WERE WRITTEN,

WHEN IN CONTINUANCE WERE FASHIONED,

WHERE AS YET THERE WAS NONE OF THEM.

HOW PRECIOUS ALSO

ARE THY THOUGHTS UNTO ME, O GOD!

HOW GREAT IS THE

SUM OF THEM.

IF I SHOULD COUNT THEM,

THEY ARE MORE IN NUMBER

THAN THE SAND:

WHEN I AWAKE,

I AM STILL WITH THEE.

WOW--the Lord has showered His immense love on me since before I was born!!! He has been with me every step of the way (carrying me when it was the worst); and He has strengthened me to begin a new life when I had no will to fight to live. Oh what peace it is to KNOW that, the things which He has taken away, were not for my BEST!!!

Truly, the Lord HATH taken away the chaff from my life. Truly, what He has replaced it with--what He has given instead--is the knowledge of His presence EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!!!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mom's funeral--part 2

Today I find myself missing my mom. It's just that I never got to say, "Goodbye" to her. I did a session on Cora the other day and it came up that this was troubling her too. It just doesn't seem right to bury someone without first telling them "Goodbye." There's nothing that I can do about it, though, except resort to my old therapy of writing out my feelings. I'm glad that there are others out there who care enough about me to continue reading my blog, even though it isn't always "Pleasant" conversation. You are such special friends to me and I thank you!

When I posted about the funeral earlier I only got half way through with sharing my thoughts. Today seems like a good day to share the other half. This is what my mother looked like the last time that I saw her. She was still puffy in the face and had a big bruise on her left hand but, after all, she was dead. Shortly after this the mortician's people took the necklace and earrings off of her body and put them in a soft, velvet pouch which I found later. Dad wanted me to have them. These were given to my mother by my father on their wedding day which was December 3, 1950. They almost made it to 60 years of marriage together. She would have turned 80 this October. She liked growing roses so we picked this coffin for her.

This picture was taken when we first got out to the cemetery. The family was filing in under the canopy here and the pastor was waiting for us. He sang a wonderful solo of comfort--what a blessing he was to all of us.

It was in this setting that I experienced a miracle. You see, I was standing behind my dad who was sitting in front of me and my brother, Duard, sat beside him. At the moment I had been dreading, the final "Amen" was pronounced. I broke into quiet sobs. Robert, who was standing behind me, had his arm around my waist. My hand was on top of Robert's arm when suddenly I felt that somebody softly started squeezing my hand. I looked down and saw that my brother, Duard, had reached around dad and taken my hand in his. He held my hand firmly and suddenly I didn't hate him any more. I leaned over him and hugged his shoulders. Suddenly I realized that my tears were falling on the little bald spot on his head. It was such a wonderful moment that I know I'll never forget it. This was the first time in my life that he had ever expressed any concern for me!!! It took 51 years, but IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT!!! Do you see why I say that this was a miracle? PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Right after this the Lord blessed me again through the precious friend I have in my Uncle David. When Duard let go of my hand, I found myself in the warm embrace of this life-long friend. Uncle David always had a way with words and his gift didn't fail him in that moment either. He took me by the shoulders; looked me square in the eyes; and said these words. "Your mother wasn't perfect, but she was STILL your mother."

What a blessing this was to me as I knew that he knew that my mother's bitterness had ruined almost all of her friendships in her later years. Knowing this is what made the whole thing so difficult for me. My mother had ostracized many of the ladies in her church but here I was dependent upon them to take care of the food. I was so thankful for each one who helped in the kitchen and I bless them all. Here I am talking to the Eberhart ladies whom I grew up with. Mom and I both worked in that room many times to help serve for Easter sunrise breakfasts; or work on punch for weddings; or to cut cake for funerals. Mom's dearest friend Estella, who always forgave my mom for her harsh words, is seen in the background. How could I ever have gotten through the funeral without these ladies? Thank you, God, for all of the ladies aiders of the world who do so much good with their kind hearts.

These are a few of the bouquets our family received in honor of mom. The pink roses my aunt Francis took home with her to Wisconsin. I brought the red ones home and they were lovely for almost 3 weeks. I took all of the petals off of them and the other flowers we received. When they're completely dry, I'll buy a pretty glass jar and store them there. I saved all of the flower petals from my collage graduation like this and they are still special to me now. I'll want to keep these petals too in remembrance of the wonderful friends who sent their condolences with flowers. What a beautiful gift!!!

Here I am showing my aunt and cousin the flowers that I received from my partners at the North Dakota BodyTalk Center. They were so lovely. I sent these ladies and several friends home with a rose of their choice from the rose bouquet. I wanted them each to have something lovely to remember mom by. I prayed that my small gift would help them to see that I had changed a lot since I left Eureka 20 years ago--that I wasn't a bitter, angry woman like my mother was. In fact, the words that comforted me the most through all of this came from Robert. The night that mom died, somehow Robert felt led to say this to me, "No 2 people were ever more different than you and your mother." I took it to be a big compliment that the good work which God has been doing in me these past 20 years has brought about a changed disposition. I thank God for leading me to the people who could help me to see where I needed to make changes in my life if I were to ever be truly loved and truly happy. Thank you to each one of you who has played a role in this.

One of the few friends that are still left in Eureka from our days there, is my friend Pat Grenz. I regret that I do not have a picture of her from the front. Here she is talking to Robert and the boys with her husband Greg. Our children have often heard about Pat Grenz from their parents and now they see why why she holds such a special place in our hearts. Pat is just one of those people who lights up the room with her smile. When I saw her outside of the church, before we left for the cemetery, I jumped out of the car and ran to her. Our embrace was as though 20 years had never parted our hearts. Later we invited them to Andrew's graduation so I hope to be able to get a picture of her from the front at a HAPPY occasion.

These are friends whom I couldn't have gotten through the day without either. I grew up with Donald and I sang at his wedding to Roxanne. They have grown older with Robert and I but our hearts are still young when we can be together. Thanks for coming, dear friends.

I could not believe that we could eat supper after all of that. I ate hardly anything at the church but still I wasn't hungry. Still, the ladies had sent home so much food so we set it out. Someone prayed and we started picking at our food. Suddenly the joy of being together took over and Aunt Francis said, "I can't believe that we can eat again." Everyone laughed and, if it weren't for dad's strained face at the table and no mother there, it would have been a wonderful time.

After supper, Sharel brought the huge box of sympathy cards and set them on the table. My dad started crying again but we had to get going home for chores and Sharel had to get going to her play practice. We knew what we had to do. Robert, Aunt Francis, and Sharel opened the envelopes and separated those with memorials from those without. I wrote down if anyone had given any money and somehow we got through it. Duard helped when Sharel left and soon there were piles of money on the table and a pile of checks. Then we needed to write down all of the people who gave food gifts or flowers so that we could be sure to thank everyone. We divided the sympathy cards and thank you cards into 5 piles. Two piles went to Duard and Sharel; one to Rick; and 2 to our family. Later on we realized the blessing that a return address was on the cards or envelopes. I decided right then and there that from now on when I send a memorial, I will put one of our return address labels on it so the family doesn't have to scrounge for addresses for hundreds of people. One friend from the Alfred church shared 3 great ideas. She had a return address label on the back of the card; she had written on the card the amount of the check, and she had taped the check to the card. WOW--thanks Burnette! I reckon she's been through this before. Andrew and Uncle David got to know each other a little bit while we worked on opening all of the sympathy cards.

Finally Aunt Francis shared the pictures that they took during their time in Eureka for mom's funeral. It is always such a blessing to have lots of cameras going because everyone gets different angles on things. These people were/are such a blessing to me. Dad said that Francis calls him a couple of times a week. Thank you Lord for Uncle David and Aunt Francis.

So we came home; did chores; got busy; and tried to forget that my mother was dead. It keeps coming back, though, and I have prayed a lot for a way to explain how I really felt about my mother in these later years. Something changed in her when my parents started getting lots of money. Slowly I saw the finer things that I had loved about her disappear as she took comfort in being better than other people. It aches me still to think of how she ruined most of her friendships with her supposed superiority because of her larger bank account.

I have prayed a lot about posting this song but it just seems to say better than anything else what my relationship with my mother really was like this past decade or so. Jacob kept talking about wanting to show me this song and so I finally listened. Half way through I suddenly saw that this was the story of my relationship with my mom. I'm sorry that I can't say that it wasn't this way--that was not my desire. I wanted a loving relationship with my mom soooooooo badly but somehow I always seemed to fall short of what she wanted me to be. I kept trying to please her, so that she would love me as I am. I'm still not sure what she wanted out of me. I loved her so much that I even bought her grapes, but it just wasn't what she wanted. This little song is the story of my relationship with my mom during these later years. I'm the lemonade salesman and she is the duck.

I'm sorry if this is offensive to anyone, it's just how things really were between my mom and me. I'm glad, though, that I didn't post this right away when Jacob showed it to me. I've been wanting to see just what the Lord is trying to say to me through it before I write about it. This is how I view it now after a few weeks of pondering. Even though my mom seldom wanted my grapes when I went out of my way to get them for her, she was still a big part of my life. She was my mom and even ducks are missed once in awhile when they're gone. Better still, I quote my Uncle David again, "SHE WASN'T PERFECT, BUT SHE WAS STILL YOUR MOTHER."

WOW

I just had time to post the pictures that were taken on Sunday morning as we went to Eureka in the afternoon and I was working in Bismarck yesterday.

WOW--that is the only thing that I could think as I pondered a name for this post. The Lord is soooooooo wondrously able to meet all of our needs AND make us happy while He's doing it!!!

I've been dreading today for 2 weeks. I've been numb as my mind has tried to grasp that my mom is really gone. Countless times I've said to myself, "My mother is dead," because I know in my head that this is a fact but my heart doesn't seem to want to grasp it. I had always hoped that we would be able to work out our differences somehow and eventually have the mother/daughter relationship that I really wanted to have with her. Now I know that this will never be and, for the lack of that hope, I have grieved much these past 2 weeks. This is why I have been dreading mother's day this year.

Now my sweet children went and took all of that dread away. I wish that I had time to post the pictures they just took, but that will have to wait. Still I will say that Cora gave me the sweetest little wind chimes with a watering can full of daisies in it. I JUST LOVE DAISIES!!!! I'm writing a book about them actually but only God knows when that will ever get finished. :)

Then Cora handed me this large box. There was a handmade card which said, "Remember to take time to smell the flowers today. Love from Cora, Andrew, & Jacob. There's a picture of 2 red Holsteins grazing by an old cream can that somebody planted tulips in. One of the cows is leaning over and smelling the tulips--it is just soooo cute. Inside the box was something even cuter (I know that is not a word but I'm using it anyway because it's mother's day. How's that for an excuse? :)

The children bought me my very own hand puppet!!! I've wanted one for years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Robert and I used to work with the puppet ministry in Bismarck Baptist Church. We used to play around with the puppets at night and made our children laugh so hard. :) Ever since then I've dreamed of our family having a puppet ministry. The children each have their own puppets and I have played with them a lot. NOW I HAVE MY VERY OWN SWEET LITTLE GIRL PUPPET!!!!! I was overjoyed to have the puppet but suddenly there was more emotions coming to the surface. Suddenly I was grieving, not only for my mother, but also for all of my children I miscarried. How I longed to hold them in my arms but that joy will have to wait awhile yet.

We're working up a puppet show for Andrew's graduation. We're going to use the Beverly Hill Billies but absolutely HAD to have a puppet for Ellie May. So yes, this little girl puppet has blond hair and pony tails and she is soooooooooooooo cute. I LOVE HER ALREADY. Cora will use her for the graduation, as she's doing Ellie May, and I'm going to use her Grandma Josephine puppet because I'm doing Grannie. OH IT'S JUST GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN AND I HOPE THAT YOU ALL CAN COME!!!! Who can resist a puppet?

Here we are together. Just so you can see, my little one isn't always a happy camper.

I'll post pictures of my little cutie later. I'm also running all of my favorite girl's names through my head because I haven't gotten to name a little girl in a looooooooooooooooooooong time.

Out to the barn,

Dawn

PS. I named her Polly. I thought of Pollyanna, who taught me how to play the glad game. So far, though, our puppets are named Joe, Josephine, Peter. Pollyanna just doesn't seem to go as well with Peter as Polly does. Also I like the thought of how Aunt Polly's heart was changed by love and learning to play the glad game. Have you ever heard of the glad game?