Still ugly?

I was just telling Jacob how some people make me feel ugly. 

It's been so many years since I heard, "You're so stupid, fat, and ugly that no man will ever love you," but those words still haunt me.  I was telling my son how Janice Ian released, "At 17" when I was 17 years old.  I was trying to tell him how this pretty cheerleader, who lived up the street from me, just drove by with the boy that I had loved for so long I had forgotten when it began. 

I still recall how wretched I was feeling as I sat in my car at the drive-in eating an ice cream cone with my best friend, Glenda, sitting beside me.  She knew how I felt about, "Him" and how I felt when I saw, "Them" together.  The tears were already rolling when I heard Janice Ian's song for the very first time.

I can't ever recall relating so strongly to a song.  In fact, as Jacob and I listened right now, the tears started pouring down my face again.  How truly wretched it is to know inside that you're the ugliest person in the world--to know that, "Truth" down to your blood and bones.

I've been working on the incest for 24 years now but I still feel ugly at times--stupid and fat too.  There are some people whose attitude makes me feel ugly just being around them.  They MUST have been cheerleaders--the kind that the boys liked to take out every weekend.  They certainly were NOT the kind of girls who sat at home pretending to be loved--inventing lovers on the phone....

Here it is folks--the song that still rocks my boat after 37 years.  The interesting thing is that, as I watched Janice singing, I kept looking for the ugly in her but found NONE!!!  I wonder what the ramifications are for me in that concept?????????????????????????????????  HMMMMM!