Three years

Three years ago today my mother died.  I just thought I'd mention that as the world rushes around trying to earn approval from others.  Although I never earned my mother's approval, it doesn't matter anymore.  Why?  Because she's gone so long that I've forgotten all of her nasty, cruel, controlling ways?  No, because I've found Pastor Joseph Prince and I read his emails every morning before I start my day.  I cannot urge you too strongly to get into this practice yourself.  Just go to www.josephprince.org and sign up for his free daily emails. 

In case you're not convinced that this can change your life, here's today's meditation for you to ponder.  I've come to see that the reason we humans try to make our own path to God is because we think that this means that we have power--look what I did, Mom!  That, not only is childish, it is keeping us from experiencing a deep relationship with God.  PLEASE read this meditation and let it seep into your soul today. THEN you will know how happy I am today to be free of my mother's condemnation on my life!  PTL

I really, truly, sincerely, entirely, unequivocally, wholly, graciously AM loved by God--YIPPEE!!  SO ARE YOU!  Here's to Pastor Prince and here's to GOD!!!!!!!!!!

Happy today!

Dawn

The Good Life Without The Sweat

Matthew 6:26 26Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

Most people are of the opinion that the good life does not happen without hard work and buckets of sweat. They believe that to achieve success, you first need to have this educational certificate, that professional qualification, this particular job and that many years of hard work. I have good news for you: God has a better way. We all must work, but the world wants you to believe that there is a natural process of sowing, reaping and gathering, accompanied by waiting, toiling and stress, before the good life actually comes. But God says, “My people do not need to go through this natural process to enjoy the good life for they are not of this world’s system. They can operate out of My economy and I can give them the good life straightaway!” In the same way that God feeds the birds which do not go through the sow-then-reap-then-gather system of the world, He wants to and will do much more for you! Your heavenly Father wants you to know the generosity of His heart toward you and how much He wants to make you successful. A case in point is what happened to a church member who believed this truth. After leaving his previous job, he trusted God to provide him with a better one. Within just four months, he found himself heading two companies. His newly formed distribution company not only clinched a major project in Singapore, but was also made the principal distributor in Southeast Asia for a popular line of products from the United States. His second company, which provided consultancy services, was given two projects by a Korean and a Hong Kong company for a six-figure consultancy fee in US dollars. Today, God wants you to know that you are not of the world’s system. You are of the kingdom of God — the same kingdom that feeds the birds that do not toil, but simply trust their Creator for all their provisions in life. Be convinced that you are of more value to your heavenly Father than the birds, and let Him give you the good life without the toiling and laboring of the world

Clara

It occurred to me just now, while I was milking the goats, that I never told you about Clara. Clara was the milk cow whom I milked twice a day for over 5 years except when I was too ill to do so; was attending a BodyTalk class; or maybe one or two other minor reasons. Anyway, most of you probably recall the struggle that I went through this Spring as I was pondering selling her.

Clara was 14 years old and in excellent shape. I loved her as I have loved few animals. She was a Brown Swiss and had the most amazing huge brown eyes that always seemed to hold oceans of wisdom. I love, present tense intended for I still do love, her cream-colored muzzle; her elegant long tail (not at all like ordinary cow's tails); and most of all her soft, fuzzy ears that would bend backwards to catch every word I said to her. Well, maybe not when I was upset with her, but that wasn't very often.

You may recall how I agonized for several months about selling her but that the day of Jacob's test I finally had peace to give up my dear one in favor of spending more time with Jacob during his last 4 years of school. When I realized that Jacob needs me more than Clara did, I could let her go. Of course, with my BodyTalk business growing, I needed to make room in my heart for new dreams to replace the one I had of owning the world's oldest dairy cow.

It all was very painful until I took the animal communicator class a week after I'd sold Clara. Kris, the woman who taught the class, took the time to tune into Clara's energy as I gift to me. She told me that Clara was still alive, but was going backwards without her daily BodyTalk sessions. I recall the joy of knowing that I could keep in touch with Clara by doing distance sessions on her just like I do on my clients. Now why hadn't I thought of that?

You may recall that I did about a dozen sessions for Clara after that and she seemed to be doing better. I was VERY happy to be able to help her get over that wet spell we were having as Clara did not do well during wet spells. Then I got very busy dealing with getting ready for my dad's auction sale and I forgot to tune into Clara on a daily basis.

Now, the day of the class, Kris did caution me to be prepared for a final parting. She said that I would know when Clara died as I would no longer be able to get any responses from her body/mind. She had chuckled, "It's kind of hard to get a yes/no response to questions about organs, endocrines, and body parts after an animal is dead."

I had chuckled, but was sure that it wouldn't happen for years. After all, I could still do sessions from a distance and keep Clara going for I knew that she could feel my love through sessions just as when she was being milked and I was sitting right beside her in our milking parlor.

I was wrong, though. I never wrote about it because it was just too painful and, with the sale just a few weeks away then, I didn't really have time to absorb it. But now I've begun processing the moments from an awful day when I went into the milk room and sat down by Clara's stall to get a yes/no to "Permissions a priority?" Except no answer came.

I did the usual things. I checked to see if I needed cortices or was switching and asked again the question which begins all BodyTalk sessions, "Are permissions a priority?" Still no answer. I spent a little time praying for my girl and asked the Lord to guide her session just as I do at the beginning of every session I do. When I asked for the third time, "Are permissions a priority?" and there was still neither a "Yes" nor a "No," it registered in my thick skull that there was a reason for there being no reply.

With tears streaming down my face, I asked the Lord, "Is Clara still alive?" Then I got a very clear, "No" reply. Just to be sure, I asked in the reverse, "Is Clara dead?" and I got a strong, "Yes" reply. I'm crying now just to remember that moment. I know that it's good to cry and get those emotions out, but sometimes I plain old get tired of crying. I wonder sometimes why I've had such a sad life. Maybe the Lord just really likes comforting me?

So now I'm wondering whether or not I should start a new session report column. What do you think? I know that several of you enjoyed it when I was doing sessions regularly for my girl. Any thoughts on this? I have all kinds of animals to choose from, if I did decide to continue doing this. Any suggestions as to which breed of animal to choose from?

Well, I need to go soak in the whirlpool. Jacob and I spent the whole day pulling monstrous weeds in the garden. They got away from me and, with the recent rain, they came out VERY easily. Trouble is, tonight my back isn't thinking that it was an easy day at all. I am so very thankful for the whirlpool and I'm still recommending that everyone get one if at all possible.

Thanks for listening to me talk about Clara one last time! Isn't she beautiful?

Dawn

Rose

Andrew just came in with some shocking news. As I shared last week, he was down in Linton helping our organic farming friend, Dave S. put in his crop. Andrew spent 5 days helping Dave and 3 of those nights he stayed with Dave in the home of Dave's mother, Rose S. She cooked up a storm for Dave and Andrew. Andrew said, "I feel like I'm part of the family already."

Well, Dave just called and said that his mother, Rose, died last night. It was sudden and Andrew is rather lost. He needs to go back down on Thursday, when the ground is dry enough, and help Dave finish seeding but on Friday we will all go to Linton for Rose's funeral.

Rose and her husband Pete (who passed over a few years ago), raised 13 children. As far as we can tell, they are all moral, hard-working citizens who love their families. My hat's off to you, Rose, and prayers to you, Dave!

Please pray for the children and their families!

The Lord taketh away and the Lord giveth

THE LORD TAKETH AWAY AND THE LORD GIVETH!!!

I know that this passage is usually reversed in our minds. The concept comes from the book of Job in the Bible. God had just allowed Satan to remove most of Job's riches, except for his wife. Job's wife, supposedly his biggest blessing from God, had just advised Job to "Curse God, and die." Job said to his wife, "What, shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away."

As I ponder, today on Mother's Day, the many children that the Lord took away from us through miscarriage, I am saddened again. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if they had lived. Sometimes my grief for them, like last night at family prayer time, flows out fresh tears of sorrow as I miss my babies. Some of them would be in their late teens, with the youngest being about 5 years old.

Robert and I would have had a VERY full quiver--even according to home school standards, had our children all lived. One time a friend asked me how I was able to bear repeated miscarriages. I told her, "Robert just kept saying to me, 'You need to keep thinking about what you HAVE and not about what you have LOST!!!'"

That thought has indeed helped me as I eventually was able to accept that God intended for us to have 3 living children. Hence, although the Lord took away most of our children, He gave us THREE LIVING ONES. For a long time it was very hard thinking of all of the dead ones as "Failures". Now I see, though, that the Lord had it all planned out as He has allowed me to play a role in helping many families through my BodyTalk business. Why, just this afternoon I was blessed to be able to work with a husband and dad whose life affects many others. Praise the Lord for shaping my life in this awesome way!

As I share these new pictures from around here, I decided to continue with the taketh away/giveth theme. Pollyanna would say, "It's how you play the glad game." My goal is to help each one of you, to begin to look for the bright side of EVERY situation.

Although my grandmothers and mother aren't here to enjoy the Spring flowers anymore, I am soooooo glad that the Lord blessed our efforts to get some tulips started. Even though I was kicking myself for not getting them covered with straw last Fall, He blessed us with a thick blanket of snow that did the same thing. Here they are for ALL to enjoy. Who knows, maybe someday I'LL be that grandmother who shows her little people the pretty tulips in the Spring like my Grandma Martha did when I was little!

Even though Cora and I couldn't get the incubator to work a month ago, see how the Lord has blessed us anyway. The mother hatched them for us and we are raising them ourselves as last year something in the brush around here, did in most of our baby chicks. Even though that was bad, this year we are given a fresh chance to keep these little ones alive--and to keep them in the box. :)

This is one, "Taketh away," that is wonderful no matter what way you look at it. I wrote earlier that the railroad company came to take our rocks away. They need them on Goose Lake as the track is in danger with high water and 50 mph winds. We've been dreaming of getting the money together to bury the rocks and now they are walking away all on their own. :) This operator REALLY knows what he's doing. He climbs on top of the rock pile; starts scooping from the outside; and cleans up the whole thing in a couple of hours. I believe that one of the boys will be posting a movie of it soon.

How many of you remember my finger saga? Well, it's almost half a year since it began. I thought that you may be interested in seeing a recent picture of it. The nail is dead and it is slowly being pushed out by the new nail. You can actually see inside a fingernail as the edge of it is exposed now.

Perhaps you may recall that anger and sexuality are stored in that finger? Well, as I watch that new nail appear, I praise God that He has taken away all of the hatred that I harbored there for decades. As I ponder the new fingernail, I realize that the Lord has given me a new life now. I no longer have to helplessly cry out in despair that, "Life isn't fair!" Now I have a new life, with new tools, to help me process my emotions so that they don't have to store up in my body and cause my pain and heartache for the rest of my life. I praise God that He led me to BodyTalk when He did! He took away the BVT (bee venom therapy) and has given me BT (BodyTalk). Cora prefers the later as well. :)

And now for pictures of my greatest treasures on Mother's day--the people who made me a mother. I'm doing this in reverse order as Jacob need not always be last. Here he is using Andrew's camcorder to make the movie of the excavator I showed above.

Here is Andrew mowing the lawn for the first time this year with his repaired give-away lawn mower in our playground. There IS a fence between him and the cattle. :)

Here is my oldest living child--Cora. She surprised me right before she went to work after lunch with a mother's day gift. It was a roaster that we have desperately been needing as my 25 cent one from a rummage sale sprung a leak. She also bought a thermometer for the kitchen as ours broke. She also told me that, "These are the practical gifts, but something pretty was coming yet." Whatever that means. :)

Here Robert and I are looking at the thermometer. Robert is my faithful husband for almost 30 years. His optimism and determination have strengthened me over and over during these 23+ years of motherhood.

The last tribute I wish to make is to my loving Heavenly Father! Not only has He brought me through 23 years of motherhood; almost 30 years of marriage; and some terrible health challenges--HE HAS BEEN WITH ME EVER SINCE I WAS BEGUN IN MY MOTHER'S WOMB 53 years ago.

How I love this passage from Psalm 139: 13 - 18.

FOR THOU HAST POSSESSED MY REINS;

THOU HAST COVERED ME IN MY MOTHER'S WOMB.

I WILL PRAISE THEE;

FOR I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE:

MARVELLOUS ARE THY WORKS;

AND THAT MY SOUL KNOWETH RIGHT WELL.

MY SUBSTANCE WAS NOT HID FROM THEE,

WHEN I WAS MADE IN SECRET,

AND CURIOUSLY WROGHT IN THE

LOWEST PARTS OF THE EARTH.

THINE EYES DID SEE MY SUBSTANCE,

YET BEING UNPERFECT;

AND IN THY BOOK

ALL MY MEMBERS WERE WRITTEN,

WHEN IN CONTINUANCE WERE FASHIONED,

WHERE AS YET THERE WAS NONE OF THEM.

HOW PRECIOUS ALSO

ARE THY THOUGHTS UNTO ME, O GOD!

HOW GREAT IS THE

SUM OF THEM.

IF I SHOULD COUNT THEM,

THEY ARE MORE IN NUMBER

THAN THE SAND:

WHEN I AWAKE,

I AM STILL WITH THEE.

WOW--the Lord has showered His immense love on me since before I was born!!! He has been with me every step of the way (carrying me when it was the worst); and He has strengthened me to begin a new life when I had no will to fight to live. Oh what peace it is to KNOW that, the things which He has taken away, were not for my BEST!!!

Truly, the Lord HATH taken away the chaff from my life. Truly, what He has replaced it with--what He has given instead--is the knowledge of His presence EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!!!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is so precious!!!

I've received this Erma Bombeck forward several times before, but it REALLY hit me hard this morning. You see, there is a friend of mine who is dying of cancer. I offered her BodyTalk sessions for free because, when I was so ill in '06 AND we had the drought, their family blessed us in a very special way. I want them to know that I would LOVE to help her through BT, in return for their gesture of friendship when WE were going through such a hard time.

It is hard to sit and wait for a reply to my offer for I know that the BodyTalk skills that I now have MAY save her life. Also, I have several herbal/natural remedies which I would be happy to suggest that I USED WHEN I HAD CANCER!

These herbal remedies saved my life repeatedly, when I was dealing with what she is dealing with, but my hands are tied. Although I know the power of prayer, for me I've always had to DO something in addition to praying in order to conquer illness. At different times I've used wormwood, cloves, & black walnut tincture; Essiac tea; onion poultices; BT & Reiki; Tahitian Noni Juice IN ADDITION TO PRAYER!

This is very hard for me having grown up knowing the power of prayer. But prayer can move us to get in the boat or helicopter that God sends for us to rescue us from death! I pray then, for this woman on her deathbed, to step into the boat or helicopter that the Lord sends for her to step into. If that boat or helicopter is death, then I will pray for myself to accept it. In fact, I'm feeling an IMMENSE need for the Serenity prayer right now, so I'll share it with you as I say it to comfort myself.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS THAT I CANNOT CHANGE;
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN;
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!

Now I share Erma Bombeck's words in light of the fact which I am trying VERY properly to share which is: I ABSOLUTELY LOATH THE WAY THAT MANY AMERICANS RUN TO THE DOCTOR TO TRY TO BUY THEIR HEALTH--EVEN TO THE POINT OF DYING WITHOUT TRYING ANY OF GOD'S NATURAL REMEDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There, now I've said it. Are you shocked???????????

The only thing I'd change in the forward is the comment about buying nothing for it's practical purposes. My goodness, some people must be RICH or something. I'd rephrase that thought to be something like, "I'd never buy anything that I didn't need, because that is poor stewardship when there are so many hurting ones in the world that I could be bless with my money instead."

So, I leave you dear readers, to ponder the words of a dying woman. Keep in mind that I was a dying woman once too (only 3 years ago). Maybe it was the German in me; maybe the desire to TRULY make a difference in the world; maybe it's that I didn't want to leave my children motherless like the family I'd just met then; maybe it was all 3, plus a whole lot more factors involved, but I wasn't so willing to just lay down and die as some people seem to be.

When God said, "We're doing Bee Venom Therapy," do you think I was all excited and overjoyed? NO-- but I lay my head down on the pillow for a whole year and let Cora sting me with 5 living, humming, buzzing, screaming BEES EVERY DAY because I wanted to keep living!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then God blessed me with BodyTalk--not even a single skin break required--and I fell in love with it AND with Him for giving it to me.

I just cannot imagine ANYONE (especially a believer in the God of healing) not turning over EVERY leaf, stump, rock, email, website ........... to try to find a way to keep living! I just cannot imagine being so complacent, when the Doctor tells you that you're dying, that you just LAY THERE AND TAKE IT WITHOUT EVEN PUTTING UP A FIGHT!!!!!

Thanks for listening, dear friends! I had no idea that it was time for all of THAT to come out this morning. It's just that, if I have to listen to one more obituary that may have been have been prevented, I don't know what I'll do. OH GOD, HELP ME TO ACCEPT PEOPLE'S RIGHTS TO DO NOTHING THAT THE DOCTOR HASN'T ORDERED TO TRY TO SAVE THEIR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!

I covet your prayers in this matter!

Dawn

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
- by Erma Bombeck (written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains. I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.'

There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute; look at it; and really see it . . live it and never give it back.

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

AND I ADD: AND LET'S BE WILLING TO FOLLOW GOD WHEREVER HE LEADS US!!!!

"New" dresses

Well ladies, have you ever had a brand new wardrobe handed to you overnight? It's a bit of a shock. If I wouldn't have Cora to help me, I would be overwhelmed. There are a LOT of clothes. Here are pictures of some of the pretty summer things--hats and gloves included. WOW--I never knew my mom had so many dresses and skirts. She hardly ever wore them. The last one is her favorite gown from their 40th anniversary.

Does anybody have any guesses as to why she had 2 or 3 Kleenexes in EACH pocket of EACH outfit and in every purse there were 5 or 6--all clean? I guess I inherited a box of Kleenex too!

I noticed something funny as I looked at these pictures just now. I do NOT like wearing shoes any more than is necessary. It's so funny that I have on these pretty dresses, but am barefoot. It reminded me of Ellie May Clampit in the Beverly Hill Billies. Did any of you ever see her flip that guy over her back when he tried to kiss her hand? When Mr. Drysdale asked her why she did it, she said, "That critter was going to bite me." :) She was gorgeous in her evening gown but Mr. Drysdale was a bit surprised when he saw that she was barefoot. No, I have no intention of ever hurting my neck and back by flipping anyone over--but then there aren't too many gentlemen walking around kissing ladies hands any more. :) ALAS..........

Here's the back view of Cora's "Creation."

It's going better today, but I still found myself crying a lot. It's easy to put it in the back of my mind that my mother is dead when I'm up here. However all of her clothes and things sitting around up here are pretty good convincers. Thank God that Cora was here to help me feel pretty and to help cut up the old things that are destined to be shop rags. Over the years I have ached so badly for a sister, but now Cora is almost like one to me. Thank you, Father, for such a precious daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Inheritance

I'm so glad that Cora does such a thorough job of posting about our family events! It's so nice to see her creativity in each post! Thanks, Cora Beth, for your wonderful blog!

How many of you have ever seen the movie, THE INHERITANCE? It's one of our favorite movies ever and we like to watch it a couple of times a year. It's about this sweet young lady, named Edith, who was befriended by a wealthy family. The love that the owner of the estate, Henry, has for her has assured her a home as a servant. However, by a sad turn of events she learns that she is really Henry's niece. Being Edith's father was Henry's elder brother, Edith really owns Evenswood--ALL OF IT AND IT'S GORGEOUS.

It's a wonderful tale of how the servant becomes the master. The most wonderful part of all is that she doesn't care a hoot for the money as all she really ever wanted was to be loved by her adopted family. Being she was loved, Edith had everything that really matters. The family's love for her kept her sweet, so that when she became financially wealthy too, it didn't change her one bit! I just love the story as there is not doubt that love, and not money, is what leads to long-term happiness.

That being said, I will write a little bit about the hard part of yesterday. My dad has been after me ever since mom died to get her clothes out of the house. I kept putting it off, using the graduation as an excuse. Truthfully, that was part of it but I just wasn't sure of how I could handle dealing with mom's clothes. Well, yesterday we were going to Eureka for Earl's (FIL) birthday party so I prayed about picking up mom's clothes and we all felt that the time was right.

Dad had come over to the party for a little while too but left to rest around 2:00. We visited with the Bornemann family until 5:30; had supper; and then headed over to my dad's house. It's hard to get used to calling it my dad's house as it was always my folk's house. Sometimes I think that a house isn't much of a house without a mother in it, but that's the way it is now for me.

Well, I sat Dad down and asked him if he was ready for us to take out mom's clothes. He said, "Yes," but I think now that perhaps he would never have been ready as he cried most of the time that we were working there.

The first thing we did was went to their/his bedroom and he handed me mom's purse. As he handed this he said, "Do you want mom's purse?" I almost fell over from shock. I can't explain why but a woman's purse is private--a private place in her life. I can't ever recall going in mom's purse. SHE went in there and gave me things but it was forbidden for me to enter the inner sanctuary of mom's private purse. Now that it was handed to me, I felt like a criminal to think of entering there.

I said to dad, "Well, don't you need these papers and things?"

He shook his head and started crying. He sobbed out the words, "No--it's all irrelevant." Then I started crying. My mother's driver's license is irrelevant--her credit cards are irrelevant--her social security card is irrelevant--how can this be? How can her importance on this earth cease to exist? Later, on the way home, I picked up my courage and perused the contents of her purse being it had been given to me. Most of it WAS irrelevant--just as dad had said. How quickly does our relevance change when God decides that our time here is over. Then all that matters is what we did for eternity. I write this with tears flowing down my face with the hopes that someone on this earth may stop to pause a moment and ask themselves, "Does what I am doing right now have eternal relevance?"

I did find a few poems that seemed relevant to me and perhaps you may think they are worth pondering too, so I share these with you. What seemed shocking to all of us as I shared them with the family yesterday is that, although my mother carried these poems around in her purse, she did not carry them around in her heart. The very words that these poems preached were what she needed to implement in her life to REALLY be a blessing to others. That was such a strange thing about my mother. She just couldn't seem to apply truth to her life. She spent her whole life giving lip service to lofty and noble concepts, but these were sadly not put into practice. OH GOD, PLEASE KEEP ME FROM THIS BLINDNESS!!!

GROWING OLD

Lord, thou knowest I am growing older.

Keep me from becoming talkative and possessed with the idea

that I must express myself on every subject.

Release me from the craving to straighten out every one's affairs.

Keep me from the recital of endless detail. Give me wings to get to the point.

Seal my lips when I am inclined to tell of my aches and pains.

They are increasing with the years and my love to speak of them

grows sweeter as time goes by.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Make me thoughtful but not nosey; helpful but not bossy.

With my vast store of wisdom and experience,

it does seem a pity not to use it all.

But Thou knowest, Lord,

that I want a few friends at the end.

THE BIBLE AND THE TV

On the table side by side;

the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide.

One is well worn but cherished with pride

(Not the Bible, but the T.V. Guide).

One is used daily to help folks decide

No! It isn't the Bible,

It's the T.V. Guide.

As pages are turned, what shall they see?

Oh, what does it matter, turn on the T.V.

So they open the book in which they confide

(No, not the Bible, it's the T.V. Guide).

The Word of God is seldom read,

Maybe a verse 'e're they fall into bed

Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be,

Not from reading the Bible, from watching T.V.

So, then back to the table side by side,

is the Holy Bible and the T.V. Guide.

No time for prayer, no time for the Word,

The plan of salvation is seldom heard.

Forgiveness of sins so full and free

is found in the Bible, not on the T.V.

There seem to be several blog posts forming in my mind right now. One will show pictures of some of my new wardrobe items and the other will protest the advances of feminism. I have been learning more about my mother than I ever imagined today. It makes me wonder how her life could have been different if she would have been able to apply the teachings of HENRY AND THE GREAT SOCIETY to her life. This too she read, when I loaned it to her, but it too made not a dent in her thinking or the practices of her life.

Today Cora and I have been going through mom's things. I had hoped to be able to find the time to try on the dresses that I like but the afternoon is passing so quickly so I will do it tomorrow. I want to post pictures of me wearing my "Mother's" dresses. This is a great victory for me to be able to rejoice in the inheritance of my mother's clothing. Robert said, "If you can separate that these clothes are NOT your mom, then you can appreciate the small fortune that you have just received." My parents are pretty wealthy so it would be just out and out pride that would keep me from enjoying a new wardrobe complements of my parents. :)

Well, Cora and I just finished sorting everything. About half of the clothes will go to the consignment shop as they just are not either Cora or I. About an eighth of the 3 closet's worth will get cut up for rags. Cora is claiming 3 dresses and a skirt. My mom had told Cora at Christmas time that she could have one of the dresses. It was sewn by my grandmother and worn by her and then my mom for 2 of Eureka's birthday celebrations. Cora looks so wonderfully cute in it. Don't you wish we dressed like this all the time? Sometimes I really do. Part of me thinks that feminism would never have ruined as many homes as it has if ladies were still happy to dress like ladies.

All the rest of the "Stuff" will become my property. I have so many things in my closet which really are in sorry shape or are getting too big for me. How's that for a problem? Although I'm getting more of mom's clothes and purses than Cora is, she's getting the windfall on the shoes. She has mom's shoe size so she's getting hundreds of dollars worth of shoes. Good for you Cora!

Here she caught me "Amazed" by this lovely specimen of a house coat. I've seen my mother wear this hundreds of times and I never knew that it had legs sewn in. Either way--it's what I'd call, "INTERESTING"!!

This was an unexpected treasure. When I got to the apron pile, something about this one tugged at me. I felt a rush of excitement and picked it up to see if my hunch was right. OH FOR JOY!!! This was my grandmother Elizabeth's apron. She was so very special to me as one week out of the year I got to stay with Grandma Kusler and she kept me safe. This was my mother's mother and everything that was good and right and proper was wrapped up in this little lady. I often wondered why she didn't pass on her character traits to my mother but I suppose she lost her gusto when her husband died so young. My mom was in 7th grade then and was the youngest. How I miss my grandmother--REALLY MISS HER!!! I can recall my mother showing me this apron when my grandmother died--it was special to her. Yesterday it became my possession. So all afternoon I've been wondering, "Why did I ever stop using aprons?" I get so angry with myself when I get stains on my clothes but I don't use the aprons that are in my drawer. It made me wonder, "Does anybody out there use aprons any more?"

It's raining cats and dogs and Cora is making peanut butter cookies. Sometimes I get so down on myself that I miss out on the current joys all around me. That's when I start to hurt. Oh dear Lord, help me to find the balance between learning the lessons from yesterday; discovering the joys of today; and preparing for success in the future ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I truly thank each one of you who prays for me and who continues reading my sometimes- depressing thoughts. I love you all!!!

Maybe there is just a little time yet before supper preparations to go try on that pretty floral dress that I hope to be able to wear to the wedding this weekend.

Sad news

Sometimes life is indeed difficult to understand. Today we got word that Jacob's friend, Jacob Long, died last night as a result of injuries from a 4 wheeler accident on Monday. The 2 Jacob boys (both 13) had gotten together at the organic convention in February and played guitars together. I remember how excited my Jacob was that night as he told me, "I have a new friend, Mom, and he's REALLY COOL." Now he is dead. Here is his obituary. I'll have Jacob post his picture on his blog soon.

Jacob Long, 13, Berlin, ND died Monday, May 18, 2009 at Meritcare Hospital, Fargo, ND.
Jacob Richard Long was born August 18, 1995 in Fargo, ND, one of a set of triplets born to Richard and Susan (Schmidt) Long. He was raised on the family farm near Berlin, ND and attended the Edgeley School.
Jacob loved the outdoors, especially hunting, riding horses, yard work and taking care of animals, particularly his dog and cats. He also enjoyed basketball, loved music and played the guitar. Jacob was very soft hearted and was always helping others.
Survivors include his parents, Richard and Susan Long, Berlin, ND; siblings, Adam and Johanna Long, also, Berlin; maternal grandmother, Sandie Schmidt, Dickey, ND; paternal grandparents, John and Christina Long, Berlin, ND; maternal great-grandmother, Opal Zundel, Jamestown, ND; and many aunts, uncles and cousins.
He was preceded in death by his grandfather, Eddie Schmidt and his cousin, Tristan Long.
Funeral – 10:30 a.m. Friday, May 22, 2009 at Transfiguration Catholic Church, Edgeley, ND
Prayer Service – 7:00 p.m. Thursday, May 21, 2009 at Transfiguration Catholic Church, Edgeley, ND
Visitation – noon to 5:00 p.m. Thursday, May 21, 2009 at Lisko Funeral Chapel, Edgeley, ND and 1 hour prior to service at the church on Friday.
Interment – Mount Calvary Cemetery, Edgeley, ND

Mom's funeral--part 2

Today I find myself missing my mom. It's just that I never got to say, "Goodbye" to her. I did a session on Cora the other day and it came up that this was troubling her too. It just doesn't seem right to bury someone without first telling them "Goodbye." There's nothing that I can do about it, though, except resort to my old therapy of writing out my feelings. I'm glad that there are others out there who care enough about me to continue reading my blog, even though it isn't always "Pleasant" conversation. You are such special friends to me and I thank you!

When I posted about the funeral earlier I only got half way through with sharing my thoughts. Today seems like a good day to share the other half. This is what my mother looked like the last time that I saw her. She was still puffy in the face and had a big bruise on her left hand but, after all, she was dead. Shortly after this the mortician's people took the necklace and earrings off of her body and put them in a soft, velvet pouch which I found later. Dad wanted me to have them. These were given to my mother by my father on their wedding day which was December 3, 1950. They almost made it to 60 years of marriage together. She would have turned 80 this October. She liked growing roses so we picked this coffin for her.

This picture was taken when we first got out to the cemetery. The family was filing in under the canopy here and the pastor was waiting for us. He sang a wonderful solo of comfort--what a blessing he was to all of us.

It was in this setting that I experienced a miracle. You see, I was standing behind my dad who was sitting in front of me and my brother, Duard, sat beside him. At the moment I had been dreading, the final "Amen" was pronounced. I broke into quiet sobs. Robert, who was standing behind me, had his arm around my waist. My hand was on top of Robert's arm when suddenly I felt that somebody softly started squeezing my hand. I looked down and saw that my brother, Duard, had reached around dad and taken my hand in his. He held my hand firmly and suddenly I didn't hate him any more. I leaned over him and hugged his shoulders. Suddenly I realized that my tears were falling on the little bald spot on his head. It was such a wonderful moment that I know I'll never forget it. This was the first time in my life that he had ever expressed any concern for me!!! It took 51 years, but IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT!!! Do you see why I say that this was a miracle? PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Right after this the Lord blessed me again through the precious friend I have in my Uncle David. When Duard let go of my hand, I found myself in the warm embrace of this life-long friend. Uncle David always had a way with words and his gift didn't fail him in that moment either. He took me by the shoulders; looked me square in the eyes; and said these words. "Your mother wasn't perfect, but she was STILL your mother."

What a blessing this was to me as I knew that he knew that my mother's bitterness had ruined almost all of her friendships in her later years. Knowing this is what made the whole thing so difficult for me. My mother had ostracized many of the ladies in her church but here I was dependent upon them to take care of the food. I was so thankful for each one who helped in the kitchen and I bless them all. Here I am talking to the Eberhart ladies whom I grew up with. Mom and I both worked in that room many times to help serve for Easter sunrise breakfasts; or work on punch for weddings; or to cut cake for funerals. Mom's dearest friend Estella, who always forgave my mom for her harsh words, is seen in the background. How could I ever have gotten through the funeral without these ladies? Thank you, God, for all of the ladies aiders of the world who do so much good with their kind hearts.

These are a few of the bouquets our family received in honor of mom. The pink roses my aunt Francis took home with her to Wisconsin. I brought the red ones home and they were lovely for almost 3 weeks. I took all of the petals off of them and the other flowers we received. When they're completely dry, I'll buy a pretty glass jar and store them there. I saved all of the flower petals from my collage graduation like this and they are still special to me now. I'll want to keep these petals too in remembrance of the wonderful friends who sent their condolences with flowers. What a beautiful gift!!!

Here I am showing my aunt and cousin the flowers that I received from my partners at the North Dakota BodyTalk Center. They were so lovely. I sent these ladies and several friends home with a rose of their choice from the rose bouquet. I wanted them each to have something lovely to remember mom by. I prayed that my small gift would help them to see that I had changed a lot since I left Eureka 20 years ago--that I wasn't a bitter, angry woman like my mother was. In fact, the words that comforted me the most through all of this came from Robert. The night that mom died, somehow Robert felt led to say this to me, "No 2 people were ever more different than you and your mother." I took it to be a big compliment that the good work which God has been doing in me these past 20 years has brought about a changed disposition. I thank God for leading me to the people who could help me to see where I needed to make changes in my life if I were to ever be truly loved and truly happy. Thank you to each one of you who has played a role in this.

One of the few friends that are still left in Eureka from our days there, is my friend Pat Grenz. I regret that I do not have a picture of her from the front. Here she is talking to Robert and the boys with her husband Greg. Our children have often heard about Pat Grenz from their parents and now they see why why she holds such a special place in our hearts. Pat is just one of those people who lights up the room with her smile. When I saw her outside of the church, before we left for the cemetery, I jumped out of the car and ran to her. Our embrace was as though 20 years had never parted our hearts. Later we invited them to Andrew's graduation so I hope to be able to get a picture of her from the front at a HAPPY occasion.

These are friends whom I couldn't have gotten through the day without either. I grew up with Donald and I sang at his wedding to Roxanne. They have grown older with Robert and I but our hearts are still young when we can be together. Thanks for coming, dear friends.

I could not believe that we could eat supper after all of that. I ate hardly anything at the church but still I wasn't hungry. Still, the ladies had sent home so much food so we set it out. Someone prayed and we started picking at our food. Suddenly the joy of being together took over and Aunt Francis said, "I can't believe that we can eat again." Everyone laughed and, if it weren't for dad's strained face at the table and no mother there, it would have been a wonderful time.

After supper, Sharel brought the huge box of sympathy cards and set them on the table. My dad started crying again but we had to get going home for chores and Sharel had to get going to her play practice. We knew what we had to do. Robert, Aunt Francis, and Sharel opened the envelopes and separated those with memorials from those without. I wrote down if anyone had given any money and somehow we got through it. Duard helped when Sharel left and soon there were piles of money on the table and a pile of checks. Then we needed to write down all of the people who gave food gifts or flowers so that we could be sure to thank everyone. We divided the sympathy cards and thank you cards into 5 piles. Two piles went to Duard and Sharel; one to Rick; and 2 to our family. Later on we realized the blessing that a return address was on the cards or envelopes. I decided right then and there that from now on when I send a memorial, I will put one of our return address labels on it so the family doesn't have to scrounge for addresses for hundreds of people. One friend from the Alfred church shared 3 great ideas. She had a return address label on the back of the card; she had written on the card the amount of the check, and she had taped the check to the card. WOW--thanks Burnette! I reckon she's been through this before. Andrew and Uncle David got to know each other a little bit while we worked on opening all of the sympathy cards.

Finally Aunt Francis shared the pictures that they took during their time in Eureka for mom's funeral. It is always such a blessing to have lots of cameras going because everyone gets different angles on things. These people were/are such a blessing to me. Dad said that Francis calls him a couple of times a week. Thank you Lord for Uncle David and Aunt Francis.

So we came home; did chores; got busy; and tried to forget that my mother was dead. It keeps coming back, though, and I have prayed a lot for a way to explain how I really felt about my mother in these later years. Something changed in her when my parents started getting lots of money. Slowly I saw the finer things that I had loved about her disappear as she took comfort in being better than other people. It aches me still to think of how she ruined most of her friendships with her supposed superiority because of her larger bank account.

I have prayed a lot about posting this song but it just seems to say better than anything else what my relationship with my mother really was like this past decade or so. Jacob kept talking about wanting to show me this song and so I finally listened. Half way through I suddenly saw that this was the story of my relationship with my mom. I'm sorry that I can't say that it wasn't this way--that was not my desire. I wanted a loving relationship with my mom soooooooo badly but somehow I always seemed to fall short of what she wanted me to be. I kept trying to please her, so that she would love me as I am. I'm still not sure what she wanted out of me. I loved her so much that I even bought her grapes, but it just wasn't what she wanted. This little song is the story of my relationship with my mom during these later years. I'm the lemonade salesman and she is the duck.

I'm sorry if this is offensive to anyone, it's just how things really were between my mom and me. I'm glad, though, that I didn't post this right away when Jacob showed it to me. I've been wanting to see just what the Lord is trying to say to me through it before I write about it. This is how I view it now after a few weeks of pondering. Even though my mom seldom wanted my grapes when I went out of my way to get them for her, she was still a big part of my life. She was my mom and even ducks are missed once in awhile when they're gone. Better still, I quote my Uncle David again, "SHE WASN'T PERFECT, BUT SHE WAS STILL YOUR MOTHER."

Mom's funeral--part 1

Boy, am I ever hurting. When I have emotional pain, it transfers to physical pain in the neck and shoulders. This is where the shingles did their number on me in '06. I do think, though, that this pain is from having my head looking down most of the day yesterday. Still today, after 3 years, my head throbs if I look down too long (more than half an hour).

Cora and I spent most of the day yesterday writing out thank you cards to 1/3 of the people who came to mom's funeral. My brothers did the others but there were a LOT of them to do. We're not even sending them to people who only sent cards, which would have doubled them. We're just not the kind of people, though, who just sign, "From the family of Erdie Delzer." I was wondering what Sharel was doing--she's an English teacher in the school system. When she told me what she wrote, I was happy. She did a good job and Duard did too. Rick was going to write, "From the family of Erdie Delzer," but Duard straightened him out so hopefully everybody who helped us get through this week will be properly thanked.

Please bear with me if this isn't the best writing in the world. I just need to write so I'm not going to be proofreading as I go through here. I'll be using lots of pictures to help tell my story.

Well, Wednesday morning we got up early. This was hard as we got to bed late after going to Eureka on Tuesday for the prayer service and trying to keep the farm and grain cleaner going in spite of it. I woke again with the sickening thought, "My mother is dead." I had a hard time convincing myself that it was really true those first few days, so I said it over and over.

The second thought I had was, "I wonder if Russell will come today?" I'll just tell you right away--he did NOT come to the funeral. In fact, nobody has heard from him since Sharel chewed him out for yelling at dad the night mom died. He actually yelled at my dad a few hours after mom died. Boy, talk about somebody who REALLY needs BodyTalk.

We chased through chores; took our showers; then tried to get Jacob in some shoes. We learned just then that Jacob's good shoes were too small so Cora went up in the attic and dug out a pair of Andrew's that were too small for him. When Jacob put them on, we noticed that the soul of the shoes was loose. We glued it with super glue (no shoe goo here) and put rubber bands on them to set the glue on the way down. We prayed that the glue would hold, but it didn't.

We planned to eat lunch with dad at the house, but he had already eaten with my Uncle David and Aunt Frances (his sister) when we got there. He was sobbing something awful but I urged my family to eat knowing that it would be pretty busy at the church later. Duard was just going home to eat and dress when we came and he asked us to get dad dressed. We told dad that he needed to shave and that brought him back to reality. He actually did a good job of dressing up for the funeral as we ate our lunch. Praise the Lord for people who take food to the houses of those in mourning.

Our family took dad to the church to bury his wife. As we were helping him out of the van, I noticed that our pastor from Alfred, Pastor Steve Kyner, was already there. You have to imagine what a joy it was to see him--he is one of the most loving people in the world!!! Here is his picture with Robert and Andrew in the church basement. Pastor Kyle Reinhiller (my dad's pastor) said that he didn't mind if Steve prayed for us so he did. What a blessedness to have someone who loves you pray for you at a time like that.

Here is a picture of my dad with his sisters. Aunt Francis is seated and Aunt Dee is standing. Uncle David (seated) is my Aunt Francis's husband and Aunt Dee's husband is dead already. My sister-in-law, Sharel, is standing. Dad is still in shock.

Dad wanted Duard and Sharel to walk him in and sit with him--here they are off to the right. This was fine with me as I couldn't have dealt with him anyway. We sat in the second pew as a family. I had asked that the children could sit with us, even though they were pallbearers, as I needed them close. Jacob sat beside me and needed more comfort than he had thought he would need. Here is a picture of my mom's coffin in front of the church. They have nice-sized screens on the walls now where the words of the songs are posted. Scenes of nature are on them in between songs. It added a lot to the service.

Duard and Sharel's youngest son, Dylan, is a musician. He played a song on his guitar that he had arranged and it was just beautiful!!! His accompanist is the daughter of my accompanist from my singing days in Eureka. My friend's name is Pat and she came to the funeral. When I saw her, all sorrow ceased as I ran to my dear friend of long ago. What an embrace that was!! I'll show you a picture of her later--she's as beautiful as ever. The children now understand why their papa and mama speak so fondly of dear Pat Grenz. :) It looks as though Emily is going to be a fine pianist like her mama!

We were all stunned when we looked at this picture. I was trying to get a picture of the children and their cousins as they took the coffin out of the church but the batteries were slow and I missed them. At first I was bummed when I looked at this picture of the man's back from the funeral home. However, Cora and I saw something profound just as I was going to chuck the picture.

In the foyer of the church there hangs a mirror for the men. Countless times, as a girl, I watched a man pull his comb out of his pocket and quickly run it through his hair before he entered the sanctuary for church. Well, I was standing at the perfect angle to capture my dad's face in that mirror. Here is what my father looked like as he left the church to go bury his wife. He was a wreck.

Here the children and their cousins are receiving their instructions on how to best move the coffin from the hearse to the grave site. Rick's son, Benjamin, is standing by Andrew and Duard's oldest, Cody, is standing next to him. I'm not sure where Dylan is but Jacob is behind Cody.

Here my children and their cousins are carrying mom to her

final resting place. The people from Carlsen's funeral home were absolutely wonderful to work with.

Here Duard is helping dad to sit. Pastor Reinhiller is close to dad holding his Bible. He sang a beautiful solo at the graveside but I just can't recall what the name of it was. I was comforted.

This is my second family while I was growing up. Mrs. Guthmiller was my second mom and the 4 Guthmiller girls were the sisters that I never had. This is the 3rd oldest girl, Carol. She and her husband, Jeff, drove all the way from Watertown (a 3 hour drive) that morning for mom's funeral. Carol is a grandmother of 3 already--she looks great!! Carol told me that the oldest sister, Anna, was going to drive down from Grand Forks for mom's funeral but had to have surgery on her foot that morning. I told Carol that Anna had sent me an email packed full of love so she had found a way to be there after all. :) Isn't it wonderful how love will always find a way to express itself?

Well, my children are getting ready for chores now so I'll have to finish posting about the time at the house that night at another time. I also want to share about the special time with Duard at the cemetery but I don't want to rush through that so I'll save it for later. I also want to add a picture of my friend Pat but I'm out of time.

Today the boys and I are going to Eureka to deal with dad. I'm dreading it! Robert is cleaning grain and Cora is babysitting for Stacey so it's just the boys and I. First I'm going to take a private walk out to the mailbox to deposit all of the thank you cards that we worked so hard on yesterday. It's going to be hard today so I ask for your continued prayers. Please pray that I will have wisdom to talk to my dad about giving up this idea of death.

Yesterday on the phone he said, "I just want to die." I said to him, in a nice calm voice, "How would you feel if I said that?" He thought a little bit and said, "I guess it wouldn't be good." I'm going to tell him that, if he continues talking about death, I'm going to have to withdraw for the sake of my health. It'll be hard, but I MUST TAKE CARE OF ME TOO!!!!!!!!!

Love to all,

Dawn

Tried

I tried yesterday to write about the funeral but was just too wiped out. I did take the time to add pictures to the post about the family service and I added some comments there. We didn't even get started writing thank you cards as my brain just wouldn't go there. Instead I sought solace in my mom's best friend, Estella. We talked over an hour and she was such a blessing with her insights on how best to help my dad now. I also slept for 2 hours and then felt good enough to pick things up around here. I was glad that we still had food left over from the funeral.
Today we're going to write the cards out and prepare for Sabbath. I just learned that Robert is going to clean grain tomorrow which leaves me alone to go to Eureka and deal with dad. ): At the risk of sounding like my dad, I wonder why God chose the busiest time of the year to take my mom. I hope to have time and energy to share my thoughts about the funeral yet today but we'll see. Cora and Jacob have a few pictures from the funeral on their blogs if you don't want to wait for me to have time.
Did I say that my oldest brother never came? Estella told me that this will haunt him for the rest of his life--she has seen it in others. I prayed so hard that he would come, if only for his sake. I guess he's determined to play out his role in the family of black sheep. I wonder if he'll ever realize that God doesn't care about the color of the wool--He loves us all.
Please keep us in your prayers.

Prayer service

I'm absolutely exhausted but I am encouraged to continue sharing to help others know a little of what to expect when it's your turn--plus it's just good therapy for me to write. Well, this is the way my mother looked in her pretty coffin. The necklace and earrings were given to her by my dad on their wedding day. It was hard for me to put them on her and think that they would be gone forever. My sister-in-law, Sharel, asked the mortician to take them off of her and give them to me afterwards. He said that they would be able to do that so then I wanted her to wear them as they were very special to her.

The mortician (Mr. Carlsen) said that she was so full of air because they kept trying to resuscitate her. The doctor was her friend, and did not want to give up on her, so he kept trying and trying but it was no use. Mr. Carlsen told us on Sunday that much of the swelling would go down but she still looked puffy in the face and neck here on Tuesday afternoon. She also had a bad bruise on her hand where they tried to get an IV started. She was shutting down, though, so nothing had worked. The bruise was on the hand away from the public so you had to really look to see it for which I was thankful. Here is my mother--Erdmuth (Kusler) Delzer. She used to say that her parents never gave her a middle name becuase they gave her such an ugly first name and that was enough. She liked "Erdie" much better and nobody even knew that her real name was Erdmuth. Her parents were both born in Russia and immigrated here as a young married couple.


Today went better than I thought it would so I praise God for all of your prayers. Still, these are the facts. My oldest brother has not responded to anyone since Saturday night so we don't know if he'll be at the funeral or not. He wasn't there today. My dad is NOT coping. My second oldest brother took him to the doctor for something to "Calm" him down this morning as he is a wreck. How I wish that I could have been given an opportunity to do a session (or 300) on him, but I wasn't. My youngest brother ruined his brain cells on drugs decades ago. I should have known better than to leave something real important to him as it bit me again today. He didn't tell my dad's sister from Bismarck about the prayer service. She came with a cousin of my dads who found out about it somehow. She kept saying over and over, "I didn't know about this," and glaring at ME!!! Thanks a lot Rick!!!


I'll write more later about how wonderful the pastor was and the friends the Lord sent to comfort me, but for now I'll just add this video. Our family sang one of our favorite hymns AND CAN IT BE. It went well and then I sang FIND US FAITHFUL. Cora videoed it with her camera so I'm not sure what the quality will be like. I know that it was far from my best singing but then, I've never sung for my mother's prayer service before. I wanted to do it, because I knew that she would have wanted me to sing, plus I had ulterior motives.

I spoke for a little while how I learned in '06 on my deathbed, that it was killing me to cling to all of these petty little grudges. I spoke of the joy that has come to me from learning to forgive others. Then I said that I want to leave to my children an example of faithfulness to God as He has blessed me soooooooooooo much. It was very hard but it was also very good. THEN I sang. Praise the Lord for the strength He gives us when He asks us to do something very difficult. Robert would call it "Stretching."

I can hardly wait to write more about seeing my Uncle David right before we came home. I haven't seen him in years, but it was as though we'd never parted to be in his big, strong bear hug tonight. :) His love carried me through my difficult teenage years as mentioned in my post called FULL OF BEAUTY. Some people just light up the world with their smiles. :) This is the only picture that I have of Uncle David and I together and it's taken in mom's kitchen. My brother, Rick, is in the white sweater. It sure was cold for April.


Well, here's the video. Thanks for all of your prayers and please continue praying us through tomorrow too. I'm praying for a rich harvest of souls for the kingdom to come out of mom's funeral--so is the pastor. :)

This is the last picture that I'll ever have taken with my mom. I'll say again that I hope that nobody is getting grossed out by this but it IS THE LAST PICTURE THAT I'LL EVER HAVE TAKEN WITH MY MOM! Death is real and it is permanent. In my case, my mother was sick 3 hours before her death. PLEASE people, if you love somebody, tell them every time that you think it because there will come a last time (if they go first). Aren't her flowers from our family just lovely?

Here I was trying to comfort dad minutes after he saw

mom's body for the first time. He hadn't seen her since

Saturday night when she collapsed right before her death.

I'll never forget how he sobbed, "Erdie, why did you leave

me?" as he wept over her body. How can you comfort

somebody who loved a girl for 70 years? They met when

he was 9 years old and he's 79 now. He said that he

always thought that she was such a pretty girl!

What more can I say but the words of Job, "The Lord has given and the Lord has taken away. Blessed by the name of the Lord." He doeth all things well!!! We just don't always understand what He is up to.

I love you all,

Dawn

PS. Andrew said that it would take too long for him to get the video on tonight as he's just beat. He cleaned grain before and after the prayer service so I'll post it later on in the week.

Mom's obituary

Here is Mom's obituary posted on Carlsen's website http://www.carlsenfh.com/Default.asp. Feel free to leave a comment as the Lord leads.
Dawn

Erdmuth "Erdie" Delzer
10/10/1929 - 4/25/2009
Eureka, SD-Funeral service for Erdmuth “Erdie” Delzer, 79, of Eureka will be 2:00 pm, Wednesday, April 29, 2009 at Eureka United Methodist Church. The Rev. Kyle Reinhiller will officiate.
Burial will be in the Eureka City Cemetery.
There will be a prayer service Tuesday at 2:00 pm with visitation from 1-6 pm and on Wednesday from 9:00 am to noon at the funeral home.
She died Saturday, April 25, 2009 at Avera Eureka Community Hospital.
Erdmuth Kusler, daughter of Jacob and Elizabeth (Fried) Kusler was born October 10, 1929 on the family homestead near Artas, SD. She attended grade school in Artas and graduated from Eureka High School with the class of 1948. She worked at the Eureka Community Hospital as a nurse’s aide.
She was united in marriage to Harvey Delzer on December 3, 1950 in Eureka Evangelical United Brethren Church. They made their home in Washington, D.C. and Norfolk, VA while her husband was in the army. They moved back to Eureka in 1952. They began dairy farming and in 1958 quit milking but continued to raise small grains and beef cattle. They retired in 1992.
Erdie and Harvey enjoyed wintering in Weslaco, Texas for ten years. Music was very important to her; she enjoyed playing the piano and loved singing. She gardened flowers and vegetables and nothing was as important to her as her family, church and the Lord.
She was a member of Eureka Methodist Church, Ladies Aide and a past Sunday school teacher and choir director. She was also a member of the Avera Eureka Community Hospital Auxiliary and a past President. She was a member of the Red Hatters and sang with The Harmony Hens.
Survivors include her husband, three sons, Duard (Sharel) Delzer of Eureka, Russell (L.V.) Delzer of Williston, ND and Rick Delzer of Bismarck, ND, one daughter, Dawn (Robert) Bornemann of Kintyre, ND, one brother, Wallace (Irene) Kusler of Eureka and six grandchildren, Cody and Dylan Delzer, Cora, Andrew and Jacob Bornemann and Benjamin Delzer.
Her parents, two brothers and three sisters preceded her in death.
Casketbearers will be her grandchildren, Cody Delzer, Dylan Delzer, Cora Bornemann, Andrew Bornemann, Jacob Bornemann and Benjamin Delzer.
The organist will be Ramona Rau and The Artas Trio will provide special music.
Condolences may be sent to http://www.carlsenfh.com/

Carlsen Funeral Home of Eureka have been entrusted with arrangements.

Prayer for Wisdom

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has been sending us prayers. WOW! I've often heard folks say that they knew that people were praying for them because they could feel it. I often wondered what they meant, but now I know. It's like this. Suddenly I'd be overcome with sorrow for my dad and felt like I couldn't breathe. Then, just as suddenly, it was gone and I had peace. I know that this kind of peace can only come from God and I bless each one of you who has prayed for us.

So yesterday afternoon we planned my mother's funeral. It was an interesting experience, if one removes the emotional content. I am thankful that the Lord prepared me somewhat for the shock of picking out the coffin for my mother. I can recall, when we were living in Bismarck, we took the youth group to tour a mortuary. It seemed like a strange place to take a group of teenagers, but they seemed very interested in it. That day the mortician had explained pretty much the whole procedure of preparing a corpse for the funeral. I'm sorry if anyone is getting upset or grossed out about this, but you don't HAVE to keep reading. I do think it was very helpful for me to be prepared for the whole process before I had to deal with it. It's my goal here, therefore, to be used by the Lord to help prepare others who may be facing this situation in the near future.

Well, 2 of my brothers didn't show so it was just Robert and I, plus my brother Duard and his wife Sharel, and my dad. Dad was so traumatized by mom's sudden death that he couldn't do anything but sob most of the time. What a blessing a supportive spouse is at a time like this as I squeezed Robert's hand a lot!!!!!!!!!!! It kind of reminded me of being in labor--I squeezed his hand so hard then that it turned white. :) I truthfully didn't notice if it was white yesterday.

This is the lobby of the mortuary where we will hold the prayer service tomorrow afternoon at 2:00. Our family is going to sing AND CAN IT BE. This has become a special hymn to me as it was sung by some friends around their mother's deathbed. The message is that God came to earth to die for us--why would HE except that He is the most incredible lover to exist? Also, this morning now I'm feeling the Lord urging me to sing FIND US FAITHFUL too. This is an awesome song about setting a good example for others to follow who come after us in life. Please be in prayer for our family as we seek to show others that following God is a joy and a blessing beyond anything that this world could ever offer!




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This is a picture of my dad and Robert standing by the
coffin that we picked for my mother. It's very pretty with
roses on the corners in ceramic. There's a large rose inside
the lid and one dainty one on the pillow. It all looks very
nice with the dress we chose for her. Sometime I will
write about the process of going through her clothing and
jewelry trying to find just the "Right" thing for her to be
buried in. Right now it's just too painful but you can see
it draped over the coffin.

I had Robert take a picture of me by the coffin that my
mother will be buried in. This is what I looked like 20 hours
after the sudden death of my mother. I knew that I would
look rotten but somehow I wanted this moment preserved.
My mother loved growing roses and we all felt that she
would have liked this coffin the best.



After we picked the coffin, we went back to the office and were told that we needed to pick a coffin spray, which is the fancy word for the bouquet that they put on top of the coffin. Dad looked away; Duard cleared his throat; Robert offered a sympathizing look; and I gestured to Sharel that I needed help. She paged through the book and Robert looked over her shoulder. Now, the reason that this was so hard for me was because of all of the times that my mom had commented about this to me. I can hear her saying over and over, "I do NOT want anyone to give me flowers at my funeral who have never given me flowers while I was alive. It's just plain hypocrisy. Please promise me that you will not allow it." She was very adamant about this and I'm sure that in my desire to please her, I probably promised it.

Suddenly yesterday, I could see her point. I looked at my dad and wondered if he had EVER given her flowers. I know that Robert and I gave her flowers at times, so I felt ok about that, but I wondered if my brothers had ever given her flowers to say, "I think you're special." Mr. Carlsen, the mortician, told us that the family are the only people who can put flowers on the casket. It made me feel awful to pick out flowers for her that would be from them which was against her wishes.

I cried out to the Lord for peace in this and suddenly Sharel turned the page. I gasped with pleasure at the gorgeous Spring bouquet there and I knew that mom would have loved these flowers. The pinks in the picture matched the pink on the coffin and I'm praying that they will in reality too. It was just "Perfect" and I had peace. Sharel and Robert liked it too--still no response from Duard or Dad. We looked a little longer but there was nothing else quite so lovely, so we told Mr. Carlsen that we wanted that spray.

Another decision, "Do you want it with the roses or without?" He asked. Well, with Father Scrooge sitting right beside me, I was torn. The roses MADE it just gorgeous. When Sharel said, "How about if we get the roses and each family member takes one out at the cemetery?" I knew what to do. "YES, with the roses," I said and smiled at Sharel.

Then to the bulletin insert. For most of my life I have read Psalm 23 inside funeral bulletins--I think that's how I memorized it. Well, words are a big deal to me--I'm a writer after all! So when Mr. Carlsen asked what we want printed inside the bulletin I silently prayed, "Not Psalm 23 Lord!"

Nobody, not even Sharel who teaches high school English, cared a smidgen about this. At first, I was tempted to give in but then I thought, "No, this is my mother's funeral and I'm going to say how I feel about things now instead of moping about it later on." So I started digging through the book of possible quotes while Dad picked the bulletin cover.

There were several really nice readings in there but nobody was interested. Then I turned the page and I just knew what I wanted. Shortly after my first miscarriage a friend had drug me along to a women's retreat. The speaker, Kay Arthur, had spoken on how to rise above suffering. She had so dramatically shared a reading that it has stayed with me all of these years. It's called THE WEAVER. It talks about how God is weaving a beautiful portrait of each life. It looks different to Him, though, than it does to us for we only see a small portion of it at any given time. We often don't see from our vantage point that the black threads are just as necessary as the light ones to make the picture beautiful. We can trust in God, though, to work all things together for good to those who love Him.

When nobody said anything, I said that I wanted THE WEAVER and Mr. Carlsen said that it was not used very often which added to my joy. I'll print it later, when I have a copy, but for now I suppose I should get to making lunch. I'll add that we picked a guest book for the funeral with roses on it; thank you cards with roses on it; and Dad picked praying hands for the bulletin.

We took Dad home then and picked some hymns for the congregation to sing. Dad's neighbor came over to express condolences and had a long talk with him about managing his diabetes. I was very grateful to her for that as we are all burdened as to how he will manage there without mom to keep his meals and insulin regular.

We had knoepfle soup together for supper which Duard's neighbor (and my old high school singing buddy) had brought over. We finished our meal with peach kucken which Sharel's dad and mom had ordered sent over from the store. God bless all people who take food to families preparing a funeral!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After supper, we picked some pictures of mom's life to put up at the funeral. I found mom's guest book and made a notation on the next fresh page. This is what I wrote, "My mother, Erdie Delzer, died on April 25, 2009." When we left, there were 3 signatures already of people who care enough about somebody in our family to come over and express their love for us in their own special way. Somehow we will get through this.

The biggest prayer request at this point is that my oldest brother, Russell, will somehow find it in his heart to forgive my parents for the pain that they put on him. He isn't sure if he will come or not and I would just as soon he not come if he is going to bring hatred with him. I think these thoughts are what prompted me to consider singing FIND US FAITHFUL tomorrow at the prayer service.
Ultimately, it is up to US to decide how we will live our lives. What I have learned through my 20 years of recovery works is that when we take responsibility for how WE TREAT OTHERS, then it is that we are freed from the dreadful human habit of pointing our finger at others and shouting, "You hurt me when you did this to me."

OH THAT THE LORD'S LOVE WILL FLOW THROUGH ME TO ALL IN MY FAMILY WHO HAVE WOUNDED ME SO TERRIBLY. OH, THAT I WILL BE LIKE JESUS AND RISE ABOVE THE HATRED TO TOUCH THOSE HURTING AROUND ME WITH GOD'S LOVE!!! THIS IS MY GREATEST DESIRE IN LIFE!!! PLEASE KEEP ME COVERED WITH YOUR PRAYERS IN THE DAYS AHEAD SO THAT I WILL PLEASE MY LORD IN ALL THAT I DO AND SAY DURING THIS PROCESS OF BURYING MY MOTHER!!!