Unlovable

I had no idea that I'd be totally shocked with my first BreakThrough session. I knew that it would be eye-opening, as Elizabeth had prepared me for that. I had agreed to meet a fellow BodyTalker on Wednesday morning at my office in Bismarck. We were going to trade sessions. I would do a BodyTalk session on her and she would do a BreakThrough session on me. That morning totally changed my life forever!!!!!!!

How can it be that we can be totally blinded to the truth that is right in front of our face? How can it be that something I have believed all of my life about myself has never been voiced by my own lips? How can it be that I have gotten very close to saying it thousands of times, but never could quite get it out before?

Yvonne, an acquaintance of many years, did a phenomenal job of leading me through the BreakThrough sequence. It started out that I was discouraged because Robert wasn't listening to me one day when I was talking about something of importance to me. Then I had gotten angry with him as he sat in front of the computer and only nodded as I talked. When I raised my voice, he had looked at me and raised his in return. Isn't that interesting how that happens? The whole thing had gotten me so upset that I had had to go into the kitchen and do some BT on myself to bring my heart rate back to the normal range.

When Yvonne had said right before the BreakThrough session, "Think about an incident where you overreacted recently," I knew that that was the incident that we'd be working on. So, as we worked our way into the issue, at one point we unearthed that I was jealous of one of my clients whose husband pays close attention to her needs--even when she is sick. From there we went to my need to be listened to and appreciated and respected by others. I really thought that this was the destination when the "Others" went past my current family and headed straight for my family of origin.

I started getting nervous, though, when Yvonne suggested that I talk about the abuse if I was comfortable to do so. I was surprised that I wanted to, as I began my recovery work over 20 years ago and thought I had talked it all out long ago. I was especially leery of going there as Melanie had said in class how many of us carry our woes around in a bag slung over our shoulders and pull it out for others to look at so that we can appear to others as being super people having endured all of "THAT." I know that I used to do that a lot when I was younger and after I'd found a good support group of incest victims to relate to. I really felt as though that had been thoroughly dealt with and laid to rest.

So when Yvonne asked if there were any thoughts that I wanted to share with her, my mind recalled the first incident. Sharing it with her, in the safety of my office, seemed different somehow. It seemed totally "Safe" to share the gory details as I remembered them. This included the much repeated phrase which was usually added at the end, "You are so stupid, fat, and ugly that no man will ever love you."

After that all came out, Yvonne looked at me and asked if I were ready to forgive all of them. I told her that I HAVE forgiven them decades ago, which is true. However, when she calmly gazed into my eyes and asked if I were ready to forgive myself, I grew angry. A deep, hot blaze of anger flashed out from deep inside of me. I looked at Yvonne and knew that I wasn't really angry with her but, as I sat there trembling, I asked her stiffly, "What do I have to forgive myself for?"

Praise God for this woman who was brave enough, and loved me enough, to tell me what she really saw! Yvonne said firmly but softly, "For all of the times that YOU TOLD YOURSELF THAT YOU WERE SO STUPID, FAT, AND UGLY THAT NO MAN WOULD EVER LOVE YOU."

I sat there stunned and stared into her eyes and then the Breakthrough occurred as she asked me, "Did you tell yourself that over and over because deep down inside you believed that you were really unlovable?"

Now, I had stated earlier in the session that others making me feel unlovable was one of the problems that I deal with often. However, when my mind wrapped itself around the concept that one of the biggest problems I have ever faced is that I BELIEVE THAT I AM UNLOVABLE, a dam broke loose.

Yvonne calmly said to me, "Can you say, 'I forgive myself for making me feel unlovable?" Somehow I could and I said in a tiny, little-girl voice, "I forgive myself for all of the times that I told myself that I am unlovable."

THAT WAS IT!!! That's all that it took. I needed to see that I HAVE BEEN ABUSING MYSELF FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER WITH THIS CONCEPT: I AM UNLOVABLE.

I cried like a baby then and Yvonne put her arms around my shoulders and cried with me. I have never felt a peace like that before. It was totally a life changing experience for me!!!!!!!!!!Of course, yesterday I felt like I was driven over by a Mack truck. I now understand that this lie was such a part of who I was that removing it from my mind WAS like an avalanche falling on me. It was wonderful to know the truth; and to have repented; and to have forgiven myself, but it was STILL like what I imagine it would be like to have to live through an earthquake.

I'm crying now again as I realize how much I HURT MYSELF all of my life!!! But even more powerful is this concept that I learned on Wednesday in my first Breakthrough session, "I AM FORGIVEN FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!" I forgave myself for all of the pain that I caused myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW.

I covet your prayers as I readjust to this new paradigm in my thinking. Also, if you seem to be stuck somewhere and can't seem to get over something, PLEASE CONSIDER BREAKTHROUGH AS AN OPTION. Guaranteed to rock your boat just enough to bring you to the calm bay just on the other side of the storm. Praise the Lord for this wonderful program!!!

Well, to top of the magnificence of my BreakThrough experience, the Lord did an incredible thing. Yesterday morning as I was checking my e-mails, Andrew said to me, "Mom, LOOK AT THIS SUNRISE!" Well, I didn't REALLY want to get up and go look at the sunrise but he seemed really impressed with it, so I did. I have NEVER seen a sunrise like that in all my life!

Did anyone happen to see it? That would be December 3rd which would have been my folk's anniversary had my mom lived to see it. There was a pretty heavy cloud layer close to the ground with a small hole in the middle of it. The sun just started shooting a little bit of orange light through that hole when I looked. I grabbed my camera but found it hopelessly unable to grasp it, I ran for Cora's.

I was disappointed just now when I looked at the video as somehow I managed to get it turned off just as the sun popped through the hole. The video doesn't do the moment justice but you can kind of see how the sun shot a little light through the hole in the clouds; then a little more; then I could see the top of the sun itself; then a little more of it; and finally it filled the entire hole area. It was shooting beautiful orange rays high up into the sky and I felt like the Lord had arranged that beautiful sunrise just for me. It's as if he was saying, "I'm honoring the new life that you are starting now that you have given up this silly concept that you are unlovable." Sort of makes one feel kind of special. :)

Now today most of the muscular pain in my neck and shoulders (which has accompanied stress in my life for the past 3 years) has passed. Life seems so special and I can honestly say that I am looking forward to seeing how my life is going to improve now that I no longer think of myself as unlovable. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sabbath blessings to all and I hope that you enjoy the little bit of yesterday's sunrise that I was able to capture here.

Peace,

Dawn